Simulated Father

In Tim’s absence, I’m going to put up some pictures of him around the house. I’ve done extensive research (ok, one Google search) and read that pictures of the absent parent can lessen separation anxiety for a baby.



Me: See, Alexander? It’s Daddy! *pointing to picture*

Alexander: Hi, Daddy.

Tim: *silence*

Alexander: Dad seems flat and non-responsive. Hello? Are you OK?

Tim: *silence*

Alexander: Wait a minute. Who is that baby in the picture? That’s me! If I am there, with daddy… then…how am I seeing… where is… *cries due to irresolvable paradox*

Me: Maybe the pictures aren’t a good idea. Stupid Google. You made my baby cry! *shakes fist at Google*




Bear: I’ve got a paradox for you…well, it's more of a riddle. When is a high chair like a litter box?



...

Unfortunate Decor

Floral borders, a wallpaper that looks like the designer had two bad ideas and went ahead an put them together (translucent stripes and translucent flowers?!), bright day-glo brass fixtures, carpeting instead of tile, a lavender ceiling… These disturbing images are real. This is the current state of our upstairs bathroom.

I’d say the style is very 1980’s grandma chic… but that is insulting to 1980’s grandmas everywhere. We all know from seeing enough pharmaceutical ads that elderly women love to play tennis, watch sunsets, and place their hands firmly on their life partner’s shoulders. According to television (the leading source of geriatric trendspotting) today’s elderly woman decorates and dresses with a nondescript J.Crew flair.

But the elderly are our top consumers of pharmaceuticals. And pharmaceuticals have side effects. Read the fine print. Think that bottle of Osteo-Conjointin is safe? Think again.

Possible side effects include: mild tingling in the brain, generalized oblongation, high forehead, phantom limbs, increased opacity, small ear, and tragic bathroom décor.

And guess who we bought this house from? Yes, stay with me, an old lady. She was (clearly) highly medicated and suffering major decorating-related side effects. Sad. At least she can play tennis and watch sunsets. Thanks, Osteo-Conjointin!

So… anyway. What was I saying? Oh yeah. We are thinking about remodeling. True story.

What a wonderful world.

I've just discovered Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (The Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!) Basically, it takes a literary masterpiece that has bored countless high school students and turns it into something ... better? Or at least something with zombies. Out just in time for mother's day! I just have two words for it: awe some.




Equally cool, and much more hilarious... Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. The commentary track is also musical. I hadn't heard of this until we went to see This American Life live... which goes to show what closet turtlenecks we really are.


You can thank me later for making you a better consumer of media that matters. Really. Would it kill you to send me a card? A nice note? Bah!

He's full of beans.

This is what (literally) being full of (green) beans looks like.

Tim is Being Called to Active Duty

Tim is being called to active duty as a soundman. He is reporting to Burlington, IA to work on a movie. It's sure to be a classic. It's an epic story with timeless characters - they are only in pre-production, and there is already Oscar buzz (which I just created right now on this blog). It's a movie about paintball.

So Tim will be gone for most of May and June for his tour of duty. Alexander and I will show our support by getting a ribbon bumper sticker for the car that says "We Support Our Soundmen". Godspeed, audio guy.

So many skilz

Alexander's mad crawling skilz have graduated from mad to furious. (Or, to translate for the 1990's street-talk-impaired, he has gone from crawling well to crawling very well.)



While he is enjoying his new active lifestyle, he doesn't know when to stop crawling. He crawls day and night. Even when sleeping. Diaper changes have become an athletic event that requires agility, strength, and a sizable block of time.

So, world, consider this fair warning.

Baby 1; Monkey 0

I let Alexander try the Monkey-in-a-Box for himself. The first time, he tried the crank. The second time, he found a way in increase monkey-popping efficiency by approximately 500%:





We figure he is popping monkeys out of boxes at about a third grade level. Nice work, son.

I'd say this skill will come in handy for him some day, but we all know the monkey popping industry is an old boys club. Unless your last name is Manintheyellowhat, you have basically no chance of making monkey popping a career.

What the WHAT?

It was 4:00 am. I was nursing and staring at the muted television. I swear that I saw an ad for an Obama chia-pet. The next day, as I was reflecting on it, I thought for sure I must have been dreaming. But… no. It does exsist. In fact, you can get President Obama in two chia-rific looks – Happy and Determined.



It seems vaguely offensive, but I can’t put my finger on why that is. If not offensive, it is at least really weird. Things in the chia world don’t always make sense…for example:

A hairy frog? That makes no sense.


And growing chia hair on Homer Simpson just makes him plummet in comedic value.

The only chia pet worth it’s weight in terra cotta is Mr. T.

“I pity the fool who doesn’t water me regularly.”

Now that is in no way weird or offensive.

Dinner and a Show

Alexander has become much more enthusiastic about eating since we last posted on the subject.




And for the Dinner Theater… it’s a monkey that pops up out of a box! This was a gift from the Easter Bunny. I guess it sort of makes sense... you know, like it's symbolic of Jesus’ resurrection.


Pop Goes the Weasel is one of my favorite hymns. (I hope Jesus doesn’t read this blog...)

And then… I don’t what is going on here. I swear I wasn’t doing anything funny behind the camera, just looking at him. He gets a bit goofy when he needs a nap. Sorry about the Cloverfield-esque camera work.

What It’s Like to Be Near Alexander

Imagine you are an object. Any object. A ball, a remote control, a hand, a cat. When Alexander is around, this is what the world looks like to you:


He is amused. He sees you. He grabs you. He pulls you in. He attempts to eat you.

As you may have noticed, he now has four teeth. After he took a good bite out of Tim’s hand, I tried to tell him that biting is for food, not for people. Then I realized that, as his mother, I am both food and people. *sigh* Parenting is hard.

Notice the Google Ads?

This blog used to be cool. Then it sold out.

Yeah, you probably didn't even notice those ads to the right. They are just seamlessly integrated with the blog, right? Subtle. Almost as subtle as the ads for Extra Gum on The Biggest Loser. I mean, the way the com-pu-ter scans our blog and finds ads that are just perfectly suited for our readers. It's genius!

I'm kidding of course.

This blog was never cool.

Happy and He Knows It

Alexander likes to clap along to patty cake. His hands don't always connect, but sometimes he makes a loud slappy noise that makes him so so happy. Plus, whatever he lacks in coordination he makes up for in spirit.

Witness his mad clapping skillz in action:

You got a little something… on your back.

Alexander is a bit young to have a monkey on his back – both of the metaphorical and literal varieties. Here are a few proofs from his 6-months photo session that document how he handles said monkey.





That’s right. You show that metaphor whose boss.

Here he is being a bum genius model:


This is what we call his “Salesman with a Greasegun” pose.

“What do I have to do to put you in this diaper today?”

There are too many cute pictures. I don’t want to overload your computer with yar. Break your yardrive. You may have a yarattack. (I’ll stop now.) But, seriously... yar.

Dusty Books and Mobile Babies

Recent studies have concluded that 45% of parenting is containment-based. We are expecting that percentage to increase dramatically over the next few weeks as Alexander has learned how to crawl forward. *insert applause here* Not elegantly, but effectively. Nice work, boy.

What was once the ‘reading room’ in our house is now the playroom. So in an effort to make it baby friendly, I’ve got to get our big bookshelf out of there. There is no need for 98% of these books to be easily accessible, much less on display. As I was boxing up my old books, I was almost embarrassed by how silly and egotistical it seemed to even have them out on a bookshelf. I’ve moved four times in the last 8 years, and many of these books traveled from bookshelf to bookshelf without ever even being cracked open in the last decade. They were like intellectual trophies just collecting dust and taking up space.

Why on earth would I (a) keep them and (b) display them? Am I hoping to have a dinner party and be given the opportunity to say “Oh yes, the Regional Atlas to Bone Disease changed my life. I never looked at syphilitic osteomyelitis of the skull in the same way?” Yeah, that book was from grad school. Grad school was over ten years ago. I think it is time to move on. Plus, any dinner guest who is impressed or intrigued with such conversation should be escorted to the door immediately.

I have no idea why I kept these books on shelves for so long. It must be some sort of neurosis. Well, I should be on a couch talking to a therapist about this… not you, dear Blog reader. There is probably some sort of medication I can take for this problem. A once-daily drug whose ad features a librarian running in slo-mo through an open field. Mmm… pharmaceutastic…

Anyway, the point is Alexander is more mobile and we are trying to babyproof the playroom.

In other news…I finished our 2008 family yearbook. Almost 700 photos were deemed bookworthy – and I thought I was being selective. That’s an average of 1.9 photos a day. I wonder how many pictures will be in our 2009 yearbook. We expect the average photos per day will go up due to you-know-who.



Yep, that’s the guy. He can’t help that the camera loves him.

Yar.

Have you tried the duck?

It’s fantastic.


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