Thursday, January 24, 2008

Put On Your Wild Speculation Spectacles

A photo from Mars has led to very creative speculations so I thought I should jump on the bandwagon. It’s way too boring to theorize that it is just a pile of oddly shaped rocks or a shadow. Theories I’ve read this morning have ranged from a naked woman to a mermaid to Bigfoot. Those are all worthy theories, but I’d like to draw my own half-baked conclusions.

Here is the picture:

In a very cinematic move, I used photo software to “enhance” the image. And I said “enhance” with every zoom and adjustment. Here’s what I got:

OK, here is my insane theory.


Do you see the beard and the flowy robe? Do you see the gentle demeanor and Jewish good looks? That’s my man J.C.! (That’s Jesus Christ to those unfamiliar with attempts to make Christianity sound hip.) I mean if someone can see him on toast, why can't I see him on Mars?

Feel free to enhance the photo and draw your own conclusions. Maybe have a few drinks first. Or, even better, stay awake for four days straight before hammering out the details of your theory. Just don’t tell me they are rocks. You can do better than that.

Monday, January 21, 2008

The promise of a toilet.

We haven’t mentioned the remodeling project in a long time simply because there is nothing to tell. Sometimes weeks pass without hearing from the contractor, and just when we are about to submit his picture to the back of the milk carton, he calls. He always has the promises of workers that will show up. This is the third week we’ve been promised plumbers yet our basement remains unplumbed.

So our basement is a ghost town. We are thinking about getting some tumbleweed installed down there, and maybe a few chirping crickets. We are also considering getting a man playing a sad song on a violin, but those are pretty expensive. We may just have to get a guy playing air violin sarcastically for a few hours every day.

(Air Violin Simulation)

At this point, we just want the project to be finished. He told us it would take 3 months, and this is month and it has been 7 months. We are certain that some day we will look back on this and laugh. And it’ll sound something like this. “HA-ha. Your future self is laughing at you.”

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

With 12% of Brain Synapses Reporting, I’m Ready to Officially Declare Myself a Winner!

We have spent 4 hours watching the New Hampshire primary results come in… it may sound like a waste of time, but I have finally had the revelation I was seeking. Mike Huckabee looks so familiar, and it’s been bugging me for months – now I know why.

Take Kevin Spacey:

Add a dash of Gomer Pile:

And you’ve got Mike Huckabee!

Scary, eh?

Now, what’s a primary again?

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Lazy Blogger Returns After Undeserved Break


The Jaws of Life Rescued Cow and Bear

After returning home from our Christmas funtoonery in Iowa, we were surprised to find that Cow and Bear did not run up to greet us. In their last job review, greeting us at the door was indicated as one of their “Key Responsibilities and Functions” and one of the top five ways in which they “Promote a Sense of Team.” Just as we were seriously considering having a surprise performance review, we realized our bedroom door was closed.

No cats in sight, a closed bedroom door… this couldn’t mean good things for our carpet.

Cow and Bear often have long wrestling matches where they tumble great distances. It usually starts with some gentle slapping. Then licking and biting. Then they embrace in a hug and sway side to side until they fall over and roll off into the sun set. We call this the “Cow and Bear Show” and it is pretty entertaining to watch – assuming you share our low standard of entertainment excellence. During these rolls, it isn’t unusual for them to knock something over or fall off the bed. Clearly, they must have been having a private performance of the Cow and Bear Show when they accidently rolled into the door and shut themselves in.

Tim pushed open the door, but it only moved a couple of centimeters before stopping. (How European, huh? The cats are metric so we try to accommodate their preferences.) We peaked in through the crack and saw both cats staring back at us with a sad look in their eyes. They knew the Cow and Bear Show had gone to far.

With force, we were able to open the door just enough for the cats to squeeze out. Well, Bear could squeeze out but Cow had to really suck it in. I expected then to run upstairs to their litter box, but when they didn’t I was even more afraid of what we would find on the other side of the door. I stuck my nose in the crack and gave a whiff… no Cow and Bear odor. We concluded that they must have just recently locked themselves in. But they were also obviously in there long enough to panic and try to start digging their way back out. Shreds of carpet and carpet padding were everywhere. Looking down, it was clear that the carpet was pulling up and that was what was blocking the door from opening.

Tim had to break out some manly tools to finally get the doors open. A bald patch in our carpet is all that remains of this near-tragic performance of the Cow and Bear Show.

True story.