Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Rambling and Distracted Christmas Ditty for You

Wishing you (yes, YOU) a wonderful holiday season. May your Christmas be merry and bright, and may all your snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Merry Christmas from Our Dumb Blog.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What to NOT get the kids for Christmas.

People (ok, mostly relatives) often ask us to recommend some good Christmas gifts for Ava and Alexander. Trust, us, everyone. They are not difficult to please. They spent an hour yesterday flying around an empty toilet paper roll like it was a spaceship. They thought it was awesome.

While they would have fun with an empty toilet paper roll, that doesn't mean that you can give them absolutely anything. In fact, there are some specific gifts that are on our "DO NOT GIVE" list. We will smile politely if our kids receive one of these gifts. Then the offending toy will be quickly escorted off the premises and burned in a private ceremony, before its wrongness can be mistaken for awesomeness by our children.

Please do NOT give our children…

(1) A Playmobil Security Checkpoint

It’s the Playmobil Security Checkpoint!! Let your child’s imagination run wild with terrorist paranoia and government conspiracy theories. Add to that the delightful experience of pretending to wait in long lines, taking off their shoes, having their mouthwash confiscated, being asked to step aside by a man slipping on latex gloves, and (several humiliating hours later) missing their flight. Weeeee!!!!

(2) A Thumb Wrestling Arena

This is the definition of unnecessary. Thumb wresting is such a simple game - no chafing singlets required! Just two kids with at least one thumb each. That is all you need to thumb wrestle. That is until someone thought “hey, let’s throw a piece of plastic over their hands!”

First of all, it gets in the way. Second of all, 99.8% of thumb wrestling games are spontaneous. By the time the kid runs off and finds this thing in his toy box, the moment will be gone and his thumbs will never even have a chance to taste the sweet phalangesical* victory.

*mostly, a made up word.

(3) Pole Dancing Doll

What the WHAT?

(4) Barbie’s Pooping Dog

OK, I’m just going to state the obvious: WTF. When I was a kid, we’d use our imagination if we wanted to pretend that our toy animals were pooping. And, frankly, the desire to do so was an extremely rare event. EXTREMELY rare. Having a dog poop out little choking hazards for Barbie to clean up might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. And, I know dumb.*

*See title of blog.

(5) Toy Tattoo Gun

I know tattoos are very popular and mainstream now, but so is Dog the Bounty Hunter. Doesn't make it a good idea for children.

I can just hear these two kids talking...

Billy: Hmmmmm…..What would be an awesome tat? A Skull?
Shemp: No.
Billy: “Mother”?
Shemp: No. Hey, what was the name of that pole dancing doll your little sister has? Sassafras or something?
Billy: Perfect! Put that across my forehead!

(6) A "You Can Shave The Baby" Baby

OK, I guess theoretically, YES you can shave a baby. But why? WHY?

Hope that helps with your Christmas shopping. Thank you for your cooperation.