Thursday, January 28, 2010

Bub’s Anatomy

Now that Alexander has mastered the more mundane body parts, we are moving on to ones that you won’t find in the Hokey-Pokey. His two new favorites? Bellybutton and tongue. Please enjoy the following film – now with YARvision™!!!

(Um...and please ignore my god-awful 'mommy voice'. You may want to send any pitch-sensitive dogs out of the room before viewing.)

Take Me Out To The 'Bah' Game

Rise and Fall of the Newest Boy Band

Before the plague hit our house, Alexander’s cousin Harrison came for a visit. They decided to form the greatest boy band on earth. They only had one instrument between them… a drum. So they had to share. But they ROCKED that drum, man.

Then, in a very VH1 Behind the Music moment, the band split up. Harrison wanted a solo career. Alexander tried very hard to keep the band together with his best tackle hug… but sadly, this was the end of Toddlers2Men.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Sequels Always Suck

While a drippy nose and lingering cough are the only noticeable remnants of the epic battle Bubby fought last week, the microscopic armies have moved on to even bigger targets. Namely, myself and Tim.

I haven’t had much of a voice for a few days now, and I’m keeping Bean awake at all hours with a nasty cough. But I have it pretty easy compared to Tim.

Last night, we had to use the grandma bat-signal. My mom came over to watch Alexander while I took Tim to the emergency room. Tim had a sudden ear pain of the “stabby” variety. Stabbing pains are almost never good, so I hauled him off to the ER to get a medical opinion. The ER doctor looked in his ear and declared what he saw was “horrid”. THAT'S the big fancy medical opinion we drove all this way for?! Diagnosis "horrid"?? Can't you at least say that in latin if you are going to charge us a thousand dollars for this?

As it turns out, Tim has a pretty severe ear infection. Oh… and he ALSO has pink eye. Nice. Damn dirty microbes!!! *shaking fist in air* So Tim is heavily doped up right now and ingesting medications in a variety of cranial orifices.

For anyone that comes within a 300 foot radius of our house, I have the following list of helpful tips:

(1) Upgrade your usual glasses to some well-sealed olde-timey transportation goggles. As a plus, you’ll look super cool. (Or at least you won’t have the peripheral vision to see anyone pointing and laughing. But, no, really… you look cool, man.)

(2) Apply a thick layer of Purell Instant Hand sanitizer to all exposed body parts. The slick sheen will create the illusion of a healthy shiny coat and totally keep germs away (mostly because no one wants to touch you).

(3) Look with your eyes, not your hands. If you do accidentally touch anything in our house, it’s best to discard your hands and seek replacements.

(4) Check the labels on you clothing to ensure all garments are flammable. This will make things so much easier at the end of your visit when we strip you down and burn your contaminated clothes.

(5) BYOB - Bring Your Own Bubble!

Now you'd better drop your computer in a vat of Lysol, just to be safe.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

“…Epic…” says Rolling Stone

Bubby has been waging an epic battle of microscopic proportions. For ten days he’s been sick. He’s been to the doctor twice. Diagnosed initially with pink eye, and then with “yep he’s really sick”. He was given the orders to “ride it out,” but he knew he had to fight. He was just one Bub against an entire army of microbes. Armed only with infant Tylenol and a can-do attitude, he survived ten days of high temperatures, heavy coughs, and sleepless nights.

Just when it seemed like things couldn’t get any worse for our hero, the tides suddenly changed. The enemy began to retreat! (Cue Carl Orff’s O Fortuna from Carmina Burana) In a final (and gory) scene, we witnessed a sudden mass exodus of green mucus from his nose and lungs.

Bubby kicked their viral butts. Game over, man.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Time Preparing for Snow: 35 minutes ... Time in Snow: 3 minutes

First you gotta pull on the snow pants.

And, yes, that IS pretty exciting.

Then there is the heavy coat and boots.

Then you fall over by the sheer weight of your mother’s love and insulation. You are unable to get back up.

Then you are picked up, taken outside, and plopped into a snow bank.

And you soon realize that your drool is starting to form a long and frozen beard, connecting your chin and lips to your coat. (Click on picture to zoom in for detail.)

That’s when you decide you’d rather take off all this winter gear …

… and go play inside, where you can actually stand up after you fall down and the drool flows freely.

Winter is overrated.

The pee data is in...

I got the results of my jug-o-pee, and the news is good! Protein levels were elevated (218 for you number nerds), but not elevated to the point of being pre-eclamptic (300). It made me drop the phone and do the celebratory prospector dance!


Here’s a file photo of Tim doing the prospector dance at Yellowstone:

Of course, all this dancing and prospectoonery raised my blood pressure and I had to lay down.

But still… gold.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Imminent Load Mode? Awaiting pee data...

In the midst of the holiday madness, I had another ultrasound and a couple doctor visits. Our little girl (who is still a girl, according to the tech) is doing very well. She’s measuring right on schedule and kicking hard enough to produce sci-fi style belly rolls and protrusions on her mother.

My blood pressure, however, has been steadily rising since about 21 weeks. It was insanely high at the last doctor visit (and, yes, that’s a medical term… "insanely high" is only one step below "ludicrous level" hypertension). I’ve had some swelling. I recently had to take off my wedding ring and sport the unwed mother look, which is so hot this year, according to InStyle magazine. I'll spare you the horror of actual pictures, but I do have those tempur-pedic legs like I had last time.

(simulated swell pregnancy legs)

And I also am starting to get a case of FFF (Fred Flintstone Feet).

(simulated swell pregnancy feet)

None of the swelling is as bad as it got last time, at least not yet. I'm not having mobility issues due to swelling or anything like that... it's more just an annoyance and a slightly sick fascination right now.

Anyhoo... all this has led to me hanging out with my jug-o-pee today. Woo-hoo! That’s right, it’s another 24-hour collection… which you may remember fondly from my last pregnancy. At this point, the doctor told me to just "shut up and take it easy" (or something along those lines, I'm not 100% sure on the 'shut up' part). If I have a lot of protein show up in this 24-hour test I’ll probably be put on bedrest - aka Load Mode.

Fortunately, I have a mom nearby who has a superhero cape in her closet and is itchin’ for some heroics. If it wasn’t for her, my blood pressure would totally be at ludicrous level right now. So iron you cape, mom, and keep an eye on the sky. We may be calling for help soon.

As we wait for the pee data to come in, please enjoy this picture of bub’s hinder.

Happy holidays. Live long and prosper.

Christmas was pretty good this year. Dad managed to make it through yet another holiday without injury! This is year two, in fact! We need to update our Accident Free sign. Of course, mom would rather we just take it down. She said it's bad for spousal moral, despite what all those Factory Management textbooks say. Mom underestimates the power of signs, though, because we completely attribute the two-year safety record to the installation of this sign:

We visited mom and dad's house for Christmas. Alexander had a lot of fun getting to play with his cousin, Harrison, and just hanging out with Grandma and Grandpa. A ridiculously yummy dinner was served, after which we all had to loosen our harnesses a couple notches.

Unlike his lazy parents, Alexander's grandparents erected a beautiful Christmas tree with tons of lights and ornaments. His favorite ornaments included a lamb, a lighthouse, an old-timey radio that announced Santa’s impending arrival, a star (or “stah”), and a Star Trek shuttlecraft. Little known fun fact: Jesus was a Trekkie. When you press a button on the shuttlecraft, it says “Shuttlecraft to Enterprise, Shuttlecraft to Enterprise. Spock here. Happy holidays. Live long and prosper.” (I’ll let you guess how many times he played that. Whatever you guess, double that and then add a billion.)

Presents were opened and enjoyed. His top four favorite activities right now are scribbling, flipping through books, stacking blocks, and kicking/throwing a ball around. Any present received that fell into one of those categories was met with great enthusiasm. OK, really, ALL presents were met with great enthusiasm because there is nothing better than wrapping paper and boxes.

But one outside contender for favorite present (discovered by grandma) turned out to be a big hit. It’s an Elmo microwave. You may wonder what, exactly, that means. I understand your confusion. Strangely enough, it’s a pretend microwave that looks like Elmo. (I know this only leads to more questions, but stay with me here.) It has buttons to press, fake food to cook, Ren and Stimpy style music to play, AND it features the power to enthrall 16-month-olds. Yes, it's all that and more - and now with 50% less radiation!

OK, I don’t have a good picture of the microwave and I’m too lazy to go downstairs and take a picture. So here is one where you can see it in the background. Bub loves his dad’s guitar (which he calls a “tah”) and abandoned his microwave cookery momentarily for an opportunity to rock. (He gets that urge from his father.)

Do you see it back there on the chair? Here is a file photo I found on the Internets:

Ok, that’s not a great picture either. Geez, this thing is like Big Foot. Trust me, though, the Elmo microwave totally exists – and it is just as bizarre, yet strangely enticing, as you could possibly imagine.

Bub was so tired by the end of Christmas day that he gave in to his greatest nemesis: sleep. He fell asleep on grandpa’s lap, and it wasn’t even bedtime yet. This momentous event was caught on camera. Please enjoy:




(As you can see, we add to the holiday spirit by watching the “Men With Guns” Network.)

Merry Christmas.