While they would have fun with an empty toilet paper roll, that doesn't mean that you can give them absolutely anything. In fact, there are some specific gifts that are on our "DO NOT GIVE" list. We will smile politely if our kids receive one of these gifts. Then the offending toy will be quickly escorted off the premises and burned in a private ceremony, before its wrongness can be mistaken for awesomeness by our children.
Please do NOT give our children…
(1) A Playmobil Security Checkpoint
It’s the Playmobil Security Checkpoint!! Let your child’s imagination run wild with terrorist paranoia and government conspiracy theories. Add to that the delightful experience of pretending to wait in long lines, taking off their shoes, having their mouthwash confiscated, being asked to step aside by a man slipping on latex gloves, and (several humiliating hours later) missing their flight. Weeeee!!!!
(2) A Thumb Wrestling Arena
This is the definition of unnecessary. Thumb wresting is such a simple game - no chafing singlets required! Just two kids with at least one thumb each. That is all you need to thumb wrestle. That is until someone thought “hey, let’s throw a piece of plastic over their hands!”
First of all, it gets in the way. Second of all, 99.8% of thumb wrestling games are spontaneous. By the time the kid runs off and finds this thing in his toy box, the moment will be gone and his thumbs will never even have a chance to taste the sweet phalangesical* victory.
*mostly, a made up word.
(3) Pole Dancing Doll
What the WHAT?
(4) Barbie’s Pooping Dog
OK, I’m just going to state the obvious: WTF. When I was a kid, we’d use our imagination if we wanted to pretend that our toy animals were pooping. And, frankly, the desire to do so was an extremely rare event. EXTREMELY rare. Having a dog poop out little choking hazards for Barbie to clean up might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. And, I know dumb.*
*See title of blog.
(5) Toy Tattoo Gun
I know tattoos are very popular and mainstream now, but so is Dog the Bounty Hunter. Doesn't make it a good idea for children.
I can just hear these two kids talking...
Billy: Hmmmmm…..What would be an awesome tat? A Skull?
Shemp: No.
Billy: “Mother”?
Shemp: No. Hey, what was the name of that pole dancing doll your little sister has? Sassafras or something?
Billy: Perfect! Put that across my forehead!
(6) A "You Can Shave The Baby" Baby
OK, I guess theoretically, YES you can shave a baby. But why? WHY?
Hope that helps with your Christmas shopping. Thank you for your cooperation.
2 comments:
Oh, great. Now I have to start my shopping all over again. Just when I thought I had found the hippest toys ever..... (I didn't "get" the shave-a-baby, either. But looking at the box label, I'm thinking perhaps the Chinese think not only do we all look alike, we all are unnaturally hirsute, too.)
Rachel - the hairy baby is really a big tall glass of nightmare juice, isn't it? One of the strangest things about it is the pattern of hair. This baby has extremely hairy ankles and appears to be wearing hairy suspenders. Creepy.
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