Monday, November 19, 2007

Give Thanks and Show Love with Meat (brought to you by the Meat Council)

And I am thankful that my husband doesn’t wear nearly as much blue eye shadow as the pilgrims did.

We are very excited to host Thanksgiving once again this year. Since I’ve been vegetarian for about 12 years (give or take) I may seem like an unlikely choice of hostess but I promise to not slip any tofu into anyone’s dish.

In fact, this Thanksgiving meal will not skimp on the meat at all. The turkey has a sausage stuffing. It’s legs are tied with bacon like there is some bizarre poultry hostage situation in my oven. Salt pork is stuck under the turkey’s skin to keep the bird juicy and to keep the arteries of our guests clogged with my love. Just to add to the carnage, we'll also be serving ham!

So how many different kinds of animals is that? Five? Oh wait…sausage, bacon, pork, ham that all comes from the same animal.

Why don’t they just call it pig? They call turkey “turkey’. They call chicken ‘chicken’. Why are pigs and cows given a different name when they are on the dinner table?

I don’t pretend to understand the way the meat-eating world works or their mysterious nomenclature. But I do understand that I don’t know a single vegetarian in a 100-mile radius. As freakish and weird as I think it is that people enjoy eating meat, I have to understand that everyone else feels the same way towards me for not eating meat. I try to fit in with the locals as best I can which includes feeding guests what ‘their kind’ expects: meat. So it is a meat-based Thanksgiving, as is customary for omnivores. I'll make myself some tofurkey, and mockery from the meat-eaters (as is also customary) will follow.

Does this look like a joke to you? The pilgrims would have been grateful to have soy-based "meat" in a tube for their first Thanksgiving.

Anyway, Thanksgiving mania is on in full swing so the blog probably won’t be updated until the dust settles. How do I spend my day during Thanksgiving Mania? Well, I knew you'd ask so here is an infographic:

(Note: Faux cleaning is the type of cleaning where if you just take a quick glance, it looks clean but if you look closer you will see that it isn’t clean. Examples of faux cleaning include stuffing unsorted mail into drawer, hiding dirty clothes in the back of the closet, and dumping additional kitty litter into the box rather than scooping it out. Faux cleaning is especially effective when entertaining guests with poor eyesight.)

Happy Thanksgiving! And... since our readership probably only extends to our immediate family, we'll see you on Thursday.

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