Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A Rambling and Distracted Christmas Ditty for You
Wishing you (yes, YOU) a wonderful holiday season. May your Christmas be merry and bright, and may all your snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Merry Christmas from Our Dumb Blog.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
What to NOT get the kids for Christmas.
People (ok, mostly relatives) often ask us to recommend some good Christmas gifts for Ava and Alexander. Trust, us, everyone. They are not difficult to please. They spent an hour yesterday flying around an empty toilet paper roll like it was a spaceship. They thought it was awesome.
While they would have fun with an empty toilet paper roll, that doesn't mean that you can give them absolutely anything. In fact, there are some specific gifts that are on our "DO NOT GIVE" list. We will smile politely if our kids receive one of these gifts. Then the offending toy will be quickly escorted off the premises and burned in a private ceremony, before its wrongness can be mistaken for awesomeness by our children.
Please do NOT give our children…
(1) A Playmobil Security Checkpoint
It’s the Playmobil Security Checkpoint!! Let your child’s imagination run wild with terrorist paranoia and government conspiracy theories. Add to that the delightful experience of pretending to wait in long lines, taking off their shoes, having their mouthwash confiscated, being asked to step aside by a man slipping on latex gloves, and (several humiliating hours later) missing their flight. Weeeee!!!!
(2) A Thumb Wrestling Arena
This is the definition of unnecessary. Thumb wresting is such a simple game - no chafing singlets required! Just two kids with at least one thumb each. That is all you need to thumb wrestle. That is until someone thought “hey, let’s throw a piece of plastic over their hands!”
First of all, it gets in the way. Second of all, 99.8% of thumb wrestling games are spontaneous. By the time the kid runs off and finds this thing in his toy box, the moment will be gone and his thumbs will never even have a chance to taste the sweet phalangesical* victory.
*mostly, a made up word.
(3) Pole Dancing Doll
What the WHAT?
(4) Barbie’s Pooping Dog
OK, I’m just going to state the obvious: WTF. When I was a kid, we’d use our imagination if we wanted to pretend that our toy animals were pooping. And, frankly, the desire to do so was an extremely rare event. EXTREMELY rare. Having a dog poop out little choking hazards for Barbie to clean up might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. And, I know dumb.*
*See title of blog.
(5) Toy Tattoo Gun
I know tattoos are very popular and mainstream now, but so is Dog the Bounty Hunter. Doesn't make it a good idea for children.
I can just hear these two kids talking...
Billy: Hmmmmm…..What would be an awesome tat? A Skull?
Shemp: No.
Billy: “Mother”?
Shemp: No. Hey, what was the name of that pole dancing doll your little sister has? Sassafras or something?
Billy: Perfect! Put that across my forehead!
(6) A "You Can Shave The Baby" Baby
OK, I guess theoretically, YES you can shave a baby. But why? WHY?
Hope that helps with your Christmas shopping. Thank you for your cooperation.
While they would have fun with an empty toilet paper roll, that doesn't mean that you can give them absolutely anything. In fact, there are some specific gifts that are on our "DO NOT GIVE" list. We will smile politely if our kids receive one of these gifts. Then the offending toy will be quickly escorted off the premises and burned in a private ceremony, before its wrongness can be mistaken for awesomeness by our children.
Please do NOT give our children…
(1) A Playmobil Security Checkpoint
It’s the Playmobil Security Checkpoint!! Let your child’s imagination run wild with terrorist paranoia and government conspiracy theories. Add to that the delightful experience of pretending to wait in long lines, taking off their shoes, having their mouthwash confiscated, being asked to step aside by a man slipping on latex gloves, and (several humiliating hours later) missing their flight. Weeeee!!!!
(2) A Thumb Wrestling Arena
This is the definition of unnecessary. Thumb wresting is such a simple game - no chafing singlets required! Just two kids with at least one thumb each. That is all you need to thumb wrestle. That is until someone thought “hey, let’s throw a piece of plastic over their hands!”
First of all, it gets in the way. Second of all, 99.8% of thumb wrestling games are spontaneous. By the time the kid runs off and finds this thing in his toy box, the moment will be gone and his thumbs will never even have a chance to taste the sweet phalangesical* victory.
*mostly, a made up word.
(3) Pole Dancing Doll
What the WHAT?
(4) Barbie’s Pooping Dog
OK, I’m just going to state the obvious: WTF. When I was a kid, we’d use our imagination if we wanted to pretend that our toy animals were pooping. And, frankly, the desire to do so was an extremely rare event. EXTREMELY rare. Having a dog poop out little choking hazards for Barbie to clean up might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. And, I know dumb.*
*See title of blog.
(5) Toy Tattoo Gun
I know tattoos are very popular and mainstream now, but so is Dog the Bounty Hunter. Doesn't make it a good idea for children.
I can just hear these two kids talking...
Billy: Hmmmmm…..What would be an awesome tat? A Skull?
Shemp: No.
Billy: “Mother”?
Shemp: No. Hey, what was the name of that pole dancing doll your little sister has? Sassafras or something?
Billy: Perfect! Put that across my forehead!
(6) A "You Can Shave The Baby" Baby
OK, I guess theoretically, YES you can shave a baby. But why? WHY?
Hope that helps with your Christmas shopping. Thank you for your cooperation.
Monday, November 28, 2011
A Conversation With Alexander
Here is a brief transcript from an actual conversation I had with Alexander this morning. This talk happened in the car. Yes, strapping my 3-year-old into a chair is the best way to have a real conversation with him. If we are in a car, this method of conversation looks less like questionable parenting and more like a normal car ride.
See? You get helpful parenting tips here at ODB!
(Calling it "ODB" makes it sound like this blog is popular enough to warrant the causal use of an acronym. Instant cyber street cred. Yep, another great tip. You're welcome.)
Anyway, on with the transcript:
Me: Did you have a good Thanksgiving?
Alexander: Yes! I was very busy and I got to play with cousin Harrison.
Me: That sounds fun.
Alexander: Cousin Harrison shared his trains and toys with me. Do you think I'll get to play with cousin Harrison again next Thanksgiving?
Me: Yes, and hopefully many times before next Thanksgiving too.
Alexander: Why is there Thanksgiving?
Me: Well, it's a chance to give thanks for what we have. It all started...
Alexander (interrupting): Why did Uncle Brad make a turkey?
Me: It's a Thanksgiving tradition.
Alexander: Cousin Harrison and I were too busy to eat turkey. Do you think cousin Harrison will play Star Trek with me?
Me: How do you play that?
Alexander: We go vrrrrom, and we play Star Trek.
Me: Do you want to pretend to be Captain Kirk?
Alexander: No.
Me: Do you want to pretend to be Spock?
Alexander: No.
Me: Well, who are you going to be then?
Alexander: A farmer, and cousin Harrison can be a sheep.
Me: A farmer? I didn't remember there being a farmer on Star Trek.
Alexander: Ok, not Star Trek. We'll play Farm Trek.
***insert rimshot here***
THANK YOU! Good night!
See? You get helpful parenting tips here at ODB!
(Calling it "ODB" makes it sound like this blog is popular enough to warrant the causal use of an acronym. Instant cyber street cred. Yep, another great tip. You're welcome.)
Anyway, on with the transcript:
Me: Did you have a good Thanksgiving?
Alexander: Yes! I was very busy and I got to play with cousin Harrison.
Me: That sounds fun.
Alexander: Cousin Harrison shared his trains and toys with me. Do you think I'll get to play with cousin Harrison again next Thanksgiving?
Me: Yes, and hopefully many times before next Thanksgiving too.
Alexander: Why is there Thanksgiving?
Me: Well, it's a chance to give thanks for what we have. It all started...
Alexander (interrupting): Why did Uncle Brad make a turkey?
Me: It's a Thanksgiving tradition.
Alexander: Cousin Harrison and I were too busy to eat turkey. Do you think cousin Harrison will play Star Trek with me?
Me: How do you play that?
Alexander: We go vrrrrom, and we play Star Trek.
Me: Do you want to pretend to be Captain Kirk?
Alexander: No.
Me: Do you want to pretend to be Spock?
Alexander: No.
Me: Well, who are you going to be then?
Alexander: A farmer, and cousin Harrison can be a sheep.
Me: A farmer? I didn't remember there being a farmer on Star Trek.
Alexander: Ok, not Star Trek. We'll play Farm Trek.
***insert rimshot here***
THANK YOU! Good night!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Important Questions
Alexander asks questions... a LOT of questions. Some recent questions he asked:
"What is the sky for - what does it do?"
"Can a bear climb a tree like a squirrel?"
"Do ducks eat flowers?"
"Why is there red?"
"What is hair for?"
Every question is another piece of the 3-year-old universe puzzle.
(I know!! I found the perfect picture in the archives. You can thank me later for such a feat of blogging excellence.)
I estimate I have about 11 more months before he realizes that I am an unreliable source of information. Then he'll start referring all questions to the internets - aka "3rd parent." For now, he thinks I'm a double bacon genius burger.
"What is the sky for - what does it do?"
"Can a bear climb a tree like a squirrel?"
"Do ducks eat flowers?"
"Why is there red?"
"What is hair for?"
Every question is another piece of the 3-year-old universe puzzle.
(I know!! I found the perfect picture in the archives. You can thank me later for such a feat of blogging excellence.)
I estimate I have about 11 more months before he realizes that I am an unreliable source of information. Then he'll start referring all questions to the internets - aka "3rd parent." For now, he thinks I'm a double bacon genius burger.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Da Bears
Trick or treating was a success (in our case, it was 100% treating). The children were dressed up as bears, which was Alexander's idea. They ended up looking like bears closely related to ewoks.
Alexander had his first chocolate bar. He was not impressed.
"I dressed up as a ewokish bear for THIS?"
We're glad Alexander doesn't like the candy. George Lucas will probably be suing us for copyright infringement, so we'll need to fork over our ewok proceeds anyway.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Baby Mullet
This is not cultivated hockey hair, people. It is a naturally occurring mullet.
Business up front:
Party in the back:
Sorry about the gauzy-looking picture. The camera lens is pretty scratched up. Now all of our pictures look they are from a soap opera trying desperately to make their octogenarian hearthrob look like a septuagenarian.
Speaking of inane television programing, look at how insanely adorable the kids are when they are staring the the T.V. together. Yar.
(And with that gauzy-looking picture, Alexander looks not a day over two...and Ava looks like a fetus. The gauze works!!)
Business up front:
Party in the back:
Sorry about the gauzy-looking picture. The camera lens is pretty scratched up. Now all of our pictures look they are from a soap opera trying desperately to make their octogenarian hearthrob look like a septuagenarian.
Speaking of inane television programing, look at how insanely adorable the kids are when they are staring the the T.V. together. Yar.
(And with that gauzy-looking picture, Alexander looks not a day over two...and Ava looks like a fetus. The gauze works!!)
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
ODB Bestseller List
Alexander took a book that was missing the last page and rewrote the ending. He drew the illustration and wrote the final word of the story, "moon".
It should be noted that he was also the one that ripped out the original page. I guess it's all about making your own opportunities in the world of writing.
Yesterday, some new "art" spontaneously appeared on our refrigerator.
Upon closer inspection, it seemed there were words written under the scribbles. You may be able to see it if you are good at seeing dolphins in Magic Eye pictures or if you have an industrial strength pair of mommy-goggles on hand.
Me: Did you make this?
Alexander: Yes, I made that last week. (said as if he was so over it)
Me: What does it say?
Alexander: It says "Alexander loves his cat." It's a mess.
So it appears that he wrote a sentence and then scribbled all over it in a fit of creative frustration. You know writers.
Anyway, his PR team suggested we use this picture for his "about the author" book flap.
It was either this or the classic author trifecta of turtleneck, dog, and fireplace. The bear ears just felt more "right". They ensure people will take him seriously as a writer (because everyone takes bears seriously). I'm so glad we have a PR team.
It should be noted that he was also the one that ripped out the original page. I guess it's all about making your own opportunities in the world of writing.
Yesterday, some new "art" spontaneously appeared on our refrigerator.
Upon closer inspection, it seemed there were words written under the scribbles. You may be able to see it if you are good at seeing dolphins in Magic Eye pictures or if you have an industrial strength pair of mommy-goggles on hand. Me: Did you make this?
Alexander: Yes, I made that last week. (said as if he was so over it)
Me: What does it say?
Alexander: It says "Alexander loves his cat." It's a mess.
So it appears that he wrote a sentence and then scribbled all over it in a fit of creative frustration. You know writers.
Anyway, his PR team suggested we use this picture for his "about the author" book flap.
It was either this or the classic author trifecta of turtleneck, dog, and fireplace. The bear ears just felt more "right". They ensure people will take him seriously as a writer (because everyone takes bears seriously). I'm so glad we have a PR team.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Auto Buds
This is a Tumblr page dedicated to finding cars that look similar and are in close proximity to each other. It's called Auto Buds.
I have an Auto Buds submission that I think takes the concept of Auto Buds to the next level. Ava and Alexander! Think about it... They look similar, are frequently in close proximity to each other, and they like to hold hands when riding in the car.
They are totally BABF!
(That's Best Auto Buds Forever... duh!)
I have an Auto Buds submission that I think takes the concept of Auto Buds to the next level. Ava and Alexander! Think about it... They look similar, are frequently in close proximity to each other, and they like to hold hands when riding in the car.
They are totally BABF!
(That's Best Auto Buds Forever... duh!)
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