Well, what do YOU do when you can't sleep?

Palindromes are the hottest trend in wasted college educations today! So I’ve jumped on the (nonexistent) bandwagon and written a few myself. Enjoy!



(1) Context: Guy driving in the car with his wife. He swerves to miss a squirrel. The car goes “ker-thunk!” and he looks in his rearview mirror trying to see if he just ran over the little guy.

“Hey! Did….”
“Ew!!”
“We did?”
“Yeh.”




(2) Quote from a husband whose loathing of traffic noise is only trumped by his loathing of hearing his wife (who suffers from IBS) loudly clink her knitting needles together.

“Stinky traffic is… um… MUSIC if 'Farty' knits!”




(3) Coverage of Sesame Street basketball game translated into Spanglish.

“El B Bird dribble!”




That is all.

Self-Rescuing Princess

This is the new feminism and Ava is on the cutting edge.







Speaking of Ava, here is Ava speaking:

“Sleepy” – she sometimes tells us when she is tired. She rubs her eyes and says “sleepy.” It’s just as yarry as it sounds.


“Alla Dan Der” – her big brother


“That not nice” – Alla Dan Der sometimes says to her “Ava, that’s not nice!” when she grabs his toys out of his hands. So she repeats back to him “that not nice”. Then they wrestle to the ground, which she thinks is hilarious. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Yes, I tell them that. It doesn't work. They continue to horse (sometimes monkey) around so I have to try to conjure up more parental aphorisms. Kids these days...


“Great job” - she’s already self-congratulating at a 1st grade level! You think she is clapping? No, those are self-high fives.


Her walking skills have gone from sad to mad. (OK, nobody has used the term "mad skills" with sincerity for over 10 years now. The kids don't yet know how uncool I am, so let's just keep that between us. They will learn soon enough.) Ava has a technique that I call "The Drunken Toddler". She leads with her belly, zig zags, then falls. She would never pass a field sobriety test, which is why we made her hand over her car keys. But here is a shot of her walking pretty well:




Sorry about the sound. It was a really windy day in our house. Sorry it is so dark. There was also an eclipse. It was a weird day.

Joke or Million Dollar Idea?

Here is a new joke, written and performed by Alexander:


Transcript:

Tim/Dad: What do you want to drink?

Alexander: (thinks) Pie! (bursts out laughing)

Tim/Dad: You can’t drink pie!

Alexander: It’s a joke. (this clarification is added just in case dad doesn’t get it. laughter continues)







Discussion:

Drinkable pie: Joke, or million dollar idea?


Answer: Joke. But, just in case, patent pending.




PS: I apologize for the excessive use of colons in this entry. The Colon Counsel has be riding me and says that if I don't make a (totally arbitrary!!!) quota they will drop their sponsorship of this blog. Sucks, right? They gave me a surprise audit (or "colonoscopy") and a written warning. So: are you happy now, Colon Counsel?? : : : : : : : : : : !!!

Uncle Dave and Uncle (sic) Rachel

Thank you so much for coming out and helping with the kids! Ava and Alexander loved having you here, and we did too. You guys are AWESOME!

I Always Take the Worst Vacations

I’m back! The surgery went well with no complications or scalpels left behind. They cut a 4 mm tumor off my pituitary and removed some “suspicious tissue” too.



(note the eyes... dead giveaway for suspicious tissues)

I was in the hospital for 4 days and home within a week. Or, so I am told. I was pretty heavily medicated. I'm operating under the assumption that this is still 2011 - right???

So I am now home and on Load Mode. This may be the loadiest mode I’ve ever been in. I am not supposed to lift anything that weighs more than 5 pounds for the next 6 weeks. Ha! FIVE pounds??? That’s nothing. This blog weighs more than five pounds and it doesn’t even exist.

The kids are awesome. Grandma and Grandpa have superior parenting skills, so their care was actually much better in our absence. Ava learned a gadzillion new words (real ones, unlike “gadzillion”) and is walking around like crazy (literally, she looks a bit insane in an adorable baby kind of way). Alexander has new jokes to tell and a new found appreciation of baseball - which I am told is a “sport” played by “athletes” and watched by “fans”.

I don’t yet know if the surgery was success. Initial labs don’t look great, but it can take a while to be certain on whether or not I land on the “winning side” of the 65-70% cure rate. Time will tell. And then I'll tell you.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy Load Mode and do everything within my power not to sneeze. (Yes, I was told to not sneeze for 6 weeks. My brain could very well fall out. For reals.)

Surgery Date Changed and Some Randomness

Just FYI… my surgery date has been moved to June 3rd. So we humbly ask that you take a moment on that day to say a prayer, light a candle, taunt a monkey… or whatever is a meaningful expression of faith for you. I just want some good vibes. I just hope they don’t slip and remove that part of my brain that overuses ellipses… because that’s my favorite way to trail off… How else can I express nonchalance and spaciness with the written word? What sort of blogger would I be if I were suddenly chalant and spaceless?

Anyhoo….

Please enjoy these pictures of the family watching a local t-ball legend (my nephew Harrison.) Here’s a fun fact about t-ball players: the size of the stains on their pants are proportional to their passion for the sport. Both my children are clearly impressed just to be in the presence of such athletic greatness. Yes, Ava, you can touch him. He IS real.





Finally, I’d like to close this post the coolest way I know how… with a ROCKIN’ recorder solo!!!!




Awesome.

If our kids made motivational posters...

There.


I hope you feel adequately motivated.


Now get back to work. We need those TPS reports by 5:00.

Another Example of my Superior Parenting Skills

The best moment in this video is right after the playdough hits his tastebuds.




In case you were wondering, the joke I was trying to get him to repeat is at the end of this video.



"Tuba plus tuba equals fourba!" Ba-dum-bum!

It's his new favorite joke. Although he still very much enjoys his "not a hat" bit, we hope this is another sign that he is moving away from prop comedy. Unless your are Joel Hodgson, there is just no career that begins with prop comedy that won't end in tragedy. (Be careful out there, Carrot Top!! I hope you sleep with your eyes open. Or at least with eyes drawn on your eyelids.)

This is what happens when you let Hasbro do your eye exam.

We've Got a Walker Here, Folks