Our Dumb Blog

darndest

2012-02-03T10:27:00.001-08:00

OK, so it seems all my posts lately could be filed under "Kids Say the Darndest Things." First of all, both Ava and Alexander have a lot to say, so the odds of saying something "darndest" is high. Second of all, I can't post a lot of pictures right now because our computer died and is getting repaired. You may wonder, then, how I'm typing this. Well, that's for me to worry about.

Last night, Alexander was afraid to go upstairs. I asked him why and he whispered "it's too quiet. There are monsters up there." So I had to launch into the whole 'there are no such thing as monsters, monsters are just pretend' speech which ended with me reassuring him there were absolutely no monsters in our house. Here is the conversation that followed:

Alexander: Really? There are no monster in our house?
Me: Right.
Alexander: (thinks for a moment) Are there monsters outside?
Me: No, there aren't any monsters outside.
Alexander: What about up in the clouds? Are there monsters in the clouds?
Me: Uh... no.
Alexander: What about on the moon?
Me: Um...
Alexander: Or the sun? Are there monsters on the sun? Or on Mars?

I don't know where he got the idea of monsters to begin with. I blame this guy:

And, yeah, I would be scared if he were upstairs too... or on Mars.

New Local Comic

2012-02-03T07:15:00.000-08:00

The other day, Ava and I were taking a car ride and Ava began requesting songs. (Fun fact: there is surprising overlap in the Venn Diagram of mothers and jukeboxes.) Ava's little voice was calling out from the backseat "Sing, Mommy! Baa Baa Blacksheep AND Row Row Row Your Boat! Sing, peeeeeeeeze!"

So I told her we'd do a mash-up and sing both songs at the same time. It went a little something like this "Row, row, row your sheep..."

This was comedy GOLD. Ava couldn't believe it. She was laughing so hard, she could barely squeak out "Again! Again!"

Well, we got to our destination and went on with our day. Later that night, as I was putting her to bed, I started to sing a lullaby. "Hush little baby, don't say a word..."

Ava's eyes suddenly popped open and she interrupted "mama gonna buy you a SHEEP!"

She then started to laugh like crazy at her own comic genius and effective use of the "call back" technique. In case it was over my head, she stopped laughing just long enough to say "that was a joke!"

(file photo of Ava longing for a career in comedy... or perhaps just longing to play in the snow.)

Odd Beverage Request

2012-01-23T14:50:00.000-08:00

Tonight Alexander said he wanted "Chinese Milk"... yes, he clarified, he wanted milk from China.

Maybe this is some kind of youthful rebellion against his parent's generation's obsession with buying local and organic. I mean, he nailed the opposite of that.

Kids these days.

Bub the Builder

2012-01-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

We recently unearthed a DVD that I got many years ago for my nephew to watch when he visited - it's called Bob the Builder. Since both Ava and Alexander seem to have an interest in construction equipment, we decided to give it a whirl.

For those of you who don't watch toddler TV, Bob the Builder is a stop-motion animation series. It's kind of craptacular. I haven't bothered to google it or even watch to credits to confirm, but the voice of Bob sounds a lot like Greg Proops... which means he's a pretty effeminate sounding construction worker.

Greg Proops is hilarious, and I assume very successful. So, it probably isn't actually him but just someone that sounds like him. Not since The Village People have possibly light-in-the-loafers construction workers been so celebrated.

Anyway, Bob has a battle cry of sorts. He shouts "Can we fix it?" and all his trucks shout back "Yes we can!" He shouts "Can we build it?" and the response is "Yes we can!" (While this may sound like a political message, BTB came up with this slogan long before Obama used it in his 2008 presidential campaign. If only Bob had trademarked it! Obama would have to shell out millions and he'd be rich - maybe BTB could even afford more than 3 facial expression for their characters.)

So Alexander picked up on this battle cry. The other night he yelled "Can we fix it?" then "Can we built it?" and then, to our surprise, he added "Can we pay for it?"

We literally LOLed. Or is that LedOL? Stupid acronyms making grammar so complicated...

We're trademarking the phrase "Can we pay for it?" right now. It's just a matter of time before that becomes a campaign slogan. Cha-ching!

Holiday Highlights

2012-01-14T10:47:00.000-08:00

Alexander showed major improvements in his sprinkle control. (As far as cookies go, anyway.)

He also decorated a fine gingerbread house, pretty much up to code by local standards.

Christmas morning, the kids were excited to see some big guy had broken into our house. Santa put a cell phone in Ava’s stocking. She immediately called to thank him.

Santa also gave Ava a hat…

Which had the strange (brew) ability to turn Ava into Bob McKenzie.

"Take off, eh!"

In case you are in serious need of remedial work in the classics, here is Bob McKenzie:

Alexander received an unexpected promotion to Fire Chief.

Being a nice brother, he worked out some sort of a job-share arrangement with his sister.

It was a good time to have firefighters in the house, because suddenly it seemed that everything was on fire. These were strange fires that only Alexander and Ava could see with their super-trained firefighter eyes.

I don’t know what’s going on here, but this picture captures the spirit of our Christmas morning nicely.

Then we put a frilly dress on Ava and went to spend the afternoon at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. When the kids saw Grandma and Grandpa’s tree, they were like “whoa”.

...And it slowly dawned on them that their mother is an extremely lazy house decorator. Well, they’d learn that sooner or later. Sorry, kids.

Over many extended days of holiday funtoonery, presents were opened, big meals were eaten, and the kids got to spend time with their cousin and aunts and uncles and even their great grandma. Ava enjoyed the opportunity to nap on one of her favorite comfy spots.

Overall, the level of happiness experienced by the children this holiday season is show here:

(And, yes, they did receive new toys for Christmas, but apparently none are as fun as our old and curiously scented cat scratcher.)

Here's a fun fact*: according to the Chinese calendar, 2012 is the Year of the Yar. So strap on your yarbelts and get ready for a yarry ride of your life. Yar!

Happy New Year!

*for maximum accuracy, replace the word "fun" with "fictitious"

A Rambling and Distracted Christmas Ditty for You

2011-12-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

Wishing you (yes, YOU) a wonderful holiday season. May your Christmas be merry and bright, and may all your snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Merry Christmas from Our Dumb Blog.

Fort Ham

2011-12-19T13:28:00.000-08:00

What to NOT get the kids for Christmas.

2011-12-13T16:51:00.000-08:00

People (ok, mostly relatives) often ask us to recommend some good Christmas gifts for Ava and Alexander. Trust, us, everyone. They are not difficult to please. They spent an hour yesterday flying around an empty toilet paper roll like it was a spaceship. They thought it was awesome.

While they would have fun with an empty toilet paper roll, that doesn't mean that you can give them absolutely anything. In fact, there are some specific gifts that are on our "DO NOT GIVE" list. We will smile politely if our kids receive one of these gifts. Then the offending toy will be quickly escorted off the premises and burned in a private ceremony, before its wrongness can be mistaken for awesomeness by our children.

Please do NOT give our children…

(1) A Playmobil Security Checkpoint

It’s the Playmobil Security Checkpoint!! Let your child’s imagination run wild with terrorist paranoia and government conspiracy theories. Add to that the delightful experience of pretending to wait in long lines, taking off their shoes, having their mouthwash confiscated, being asked to step aside by a man slipping on latex gloves, and (several humiliating hours later) missing their flight. Weeeee!!!!

(2) A Thumb Wrestling Arena

This is the definition of unnecessary. Thumb wresting is such a simple game - no chafing singlets required! Just two kids with at least one thumb each. That is all you need to thumb wrestle. That is until someone thought “hey, let’s throw a piece of plastic over their hands!”

First of all, it gets in the way. Second of all, 99.8% of thumb wrestling games are spontaneous. By the time the kid runs off and finds this thing in his toy box, the moment will be gone and his thumbs will never even have a chance to taste the sweet phalangesical* victory.

*mostly, a made up word.

(3) Pole Dancing Doll

What the WHAT?

(4) Barbie’s Pooping Dog

OK, I’m just going to state the obvious: WTF. When I was a kid, we’d use our imagination if we wanted to pretend that our toy animals were pooping. And, frankly, the desire to do so was an extremely rare event. EXTREMELY rare. Having a dog poop out little choking hazards for Barbie to clean up might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. And, I know dumb.*

*See title of blog.

(5) Toy Tattoo Gun

I know tattoos are very popular and mainstream now, but so is Dog the Bounty Hunter. Doesn't make it a good idea for children.

I can just hear these two kids talking...

Billy: Hmmmmm…..What would be an awesome tat? A Skull?
Shemp: No.
Billy: “Mother”?
Shemp: No. Hey, what was the name of that pole dancing doll your little sister has? Sassafras or something?
Billy: Perfect! Put that across my forehead!

(6) A "You Can Shave The Baby" Baby

OK, I guess theoretically, YES you can shave a baby. But why? WHY?

Hope that helps with your Christmas shopping. Thank you for your cooperation.

A Conversation With Alexander

2011-11-28T11:49:00.001-08:00

Here is a brief transcript from an actual conversation I had with Alexander this morning. This talk happened in the car. Yes, strapping my 3-year-old into a chair is the best way to have a real conversation with him. If we are in a car, this method of conversation looks less like questionable parenting and more like a normal car ride.

See? You get helpful parenting tips here at ODB!

(Calling it "ODB" makes it sound like this blog is popular enough to warrant the causal use of an acronym. Instant cyber street cred. Yep, another great tip. You're welcome.)

Anyway, on with the transcript:

Me: Did you have a good Thanksgiving?

Alexander: Yes! I was very busy and I got to play with cousin Harrison.

Me: That sounds fun.

Alexander: Cousin Harrison shared his trains and toys with me. Do you think I'll get to play with cousin Harrison again next Thanksgiving?

Me: Yes, and hopefully many times before next Thanksgiving too.

Alexander: Why is there Thanksgiving?

Me: Well, it's a chance to give thanks for what we have. It all started...

Alexander (interrupting): Why did Uncle Brad make a turkey?

Me: It's a Thanksgiving tradition.

Alexander: Cousin Harrison and I were too busy to eat turkey. Do you think cousin Harrison will play Star Trek with me?

Me: How do you play that?

Alexander: We go vrrrrom, and we play Star Trek.

Me: Do you want to pretend to be Captain Kirk?

Alexander: No.

Me: Do you want to pretend to be Spock?

Alexander: No.

Me: Well, who are you going to be then?

Alexander: A farmer, and cousin Harrison can be a sheep.

Me: A farmer? I didn't remember there being a farmer on Star Trek.

Alexander: Ok, not Star Trek. We'll play Farm Trek.

***insert rimshot here***

THANK YOU! Good night!

Child Psychology

2011-11-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

Important Questions

2011-11-11T06:41:00.000-08:00

Alexander asks questions... a LOT of questions. Some recent questions he asked:

"What is the sky for - what does it do?"
"Can a bear climb a tree like a squirrel?"
"Do ducks eat flowers?"
"Why is there red?"
"What is hair for?"

Every question is another piece of the 3-year-old universe puzzle.

(I know!! I found the perfect picture in the archives. You can thank me later for such a feat of blogging excellence.)

I estimate I have about 11 more months before he realizes that I am an unreliable source of information. Then he'll start referring all questions to the internets - aka "3rd parent." For now, he thinks I'm a double bacon genius burger.

Da Bears

2011-11-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Trick or treating was a success (in our case, it was 100% treating). The children were dressed up as bears, which was Alexander's idea. They ended up looking like bears closely related to ewoks.

Alexander had his first chocolate bar. He was not impressed.

"I dressed up as a ewokish bear for THIS?"

We're glad Alexander doesn't like the candy. George Lucas will probably be suing us for copyright infringement, so we'll need to fork over our ewok proceeds anyway.

Baby Mullet

2011-10-25T20:41:00.001-07:00

This is not cultivated hockey hair, people. It is a naturally occurring mullet.

Business up front:

Party in the back:

Sorry about the gauzy-looking picture. The camera lens is pretty scratched up. Now all of our pictures look they are from a soap opera trying desperately to make their octogenarian hearthrob look like a septuagenarian.

Speaking of inane television programing, look at how insanely adorable the kids are when they are staring the the T.V. together. Yar.

(And with that gauzy-looking picture, Alexander looks not a day over two...and Ava looks like a fetus. The gauze works!!)

ODB Bestseller List

2011-10-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

Alexander took a book that was missing the last page and rewrote the ending. He drew the illustration and wrote the final word of the story, "moon".

It should be noted that he was also the one that ripped out the original page. I guess it's all about making your own opportunities in the world of writing.

Yesterday, some new "art" spontaneously appeared on our refrigerator.

Upon closer inspection, it seemed there were words written under the scribbles. You may be able to see it if you are good at seeing dolphins in Magic Eye pictures or if you have an industrial strength pair of mommy-goggles on hand.

Me: Did you make this?
Alexander: Yes, I made that last week. (said as if he was so over it)
Me: What does it say?
Alexander: It says "Alexander loves his cat." It's a mess.

So it appears that he wrote a sentence and then scribbled all over it in a fit of creative frustration. You know writers.

Anyway, his PR team suggested we use this picture for his "about the author" book flap.

It was either this or the classic author trifecta of turtleneck, dog, and fireplace. The bear ears just felt more "right". They ensure people will take him seriously as a writer (because everyone takes bears seriously). I'm so glad we have a PR team.

Auto Buds

2011-10-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

This is a Tumblr page dedicated to finding cars that look similar and are in close proximity to each other. It's called Auto Buds.

I have an Auto Buds submission that I think takes the concept of Auto Buds to the next level. Ava and Alexander! Think about it... They look similar, are frequently in close proximity to each other, and they like to hold hands when riding in the car.

They are totally BABF!

(That's Best Auto Buds Forever... duh!)

Girl, Interrupted

2011-10-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

(This is what I thought that Winona Ryder movie was going to be about...)

Sign that I am Old

2011-09-29T08:32:00.001-07:00

They pump muzak into the lobby of Alexander's preschool. Maybe this is to keep the children calm, or to lull the parents into a trance as they write out their checks and hand over their children. I think muzak should go back to the elevators where it belongs, but I could be accused of being a musicist if I say this outloud.

Anyway, the other day I was getting lulled into a trance and wondering if I should write another nice big check for the school. I suddenly realized that I recognized the piped-in song.

There is was, it all it's glockenspiel glory - Green Day's Basketcase.

I consider this to be a great song from my youth - it was topping the charts the year I graduated high school. It's punkish, it's fun, it's catchy. They also beat it into us as they played it on the radio about 500 times a day. (A "radio" is a device we used to listen to music on.) The song ponders issues of sanity, sex, and drugs. Yeah, totally perfect for muzak! And even more totally perfect for preschool muzak!

I'm so old.

Highly Flamable PJs and Compromises

2011-09-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

I was looking online for some nice warm PJs for Ava. These looked cute...

Then I was reading the "fabric and care" section...

fabric & care
-100% Cotton.
-For child's safety, garment should fit snugly. This garment is not flame resistant. Loose fitting garment is more likely to catch fire.
-Machine wash.
-Imported.

Apparently, if you put a baby in any sort of semi-loose garment, they are MORE LIKELY to burst into flames. Why didn't Dr. Sears mention this in any of his baby books?! You'd think our pediatrician would have at least given us some sort of brochure.

I'm a good mother, so I bought several PJs in XXXX-Small sizes. Am I worried about these ultra tight PJs cutting off her circulation? Sure. But I decreased the probability that she will catch fire. Good parenting is all about thoughtful compromises.

For example, we took a trip this weekend to the "plywood photo-op novelty farm". It wasn't crowded at all, but that was because it was raining. So there was no line for the giant slide, but we also got soaked.

Those are the damp hinders of compromise.

Happy Dance

2011-09-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

Ava is going to reenact a big moment... OK. Curtain up.

I received news that first made me go –

“Wa-wa-whaaaat?”

And then made me go –

"Yeaa!"

What was the cause of total surprise and then total happiness? One word: REMISSION! HAPPY DANCE!

(OK, the happy dance was actually because she got a "record" on the Wii. That's why she keeps saying "record." *sigh* Method actors...)

End scene.

Life with Alexander

2011-09-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

Life with a three-year-old is never dull, and often features backaches and lots of laundry.

Lately, he's curious about the idea of logos and branding. His uncle Dave and aunt Rachel were here for a visit recently, and Dave was wearing a shirt with a Honda Goldwing logo. Alexander pointed at it and said "That's the logo for the company that made Uncle Dave."

His sense of humor continues to grow and he has a whole mess of new stand-up material to try on anyone that is willing to listen. For example, this morning we caught him singing a new version of "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" to the cats. It was "head, shoulders, knees, and paws". Alexander was beside himself with his own comic genius. This could be part of a larger Weird Al phase, because he also has been changing lyrics to other songs... for example:

Alexander: Sing a lullaby, please, Daddy!
Tim: OK. Hush little baby, don't say a word. Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird. If that mocking bird won't sing, papa's gonna buy you a...
Alexander: (interrupting) Another mockingbird! (laughs)
Tim: OK, then. Another mockingbird. If that mockingbird won't sing, papa's gonna buy you...
Alexander: (interrupting, again) Another mockingbird! (laughs hysterically)
Tim: Really? Another mockingbird?
Alexander: (barely able to speak, laughing so hard) Yes!
Tim: All right. Papa's gonna buy you another mockingbird. If that mockingbird won't sing, papa's gonna buy you a...
Alexander: (again barely able to speak) Another mockingbird!
Tim: Another one?!
Alexander: We have so many mockingbirds, and none of them can sing! (tears rolling down cheeks from laughing so hard)
Tim: *sigh*

Well, I could go on but you'll just have to catch his Comedy Central special when it comes out in 2029. Alexander also recently expanded his comedic repertoire with what I guess was a "prank". A semi-elaborate prank, at that.

Tim and I use "TV Ears" when watching movies in the loft after the kids are in bed. Yes, TV Ears. When we saw the ad in Senior News, the one that said TV Ears could save our marriage, it seemed really irresponsible to NOT get them. I mean, we take our wedding vows super seriously. We couldn't risk passing up on a product that could save our marriage. We didn't even know our marriage was failing, but Senior News said... well, YOU read the ad:

See?? It is doctor recommended, AND patented, AND saves marriages, AND only weighs 1.6 ounces!! I know, right?! Can you believe some people DON'T buy TV Ears? Fools.

Anyway, as you can see, they are basically little wireless headsets. We recently had to replace the charging base because it wasn't working, but otherwise they have worked very well and lived up to every promise.

One night we went upstairs to enjoy an evening movie. I picked up the headset, and immediately noticed the foam ear covers are missing.

This is a bummer, because without the foam coverings they are pointy and uncomfortable. I really wanted to watch a movie, so I put them on anyway. I quickly discovered that not only were the ear foams missing but the headset wasn't working either. There was no power. Hmmmm.... Looking down, I realize that there are TWO bases sitting out. Someone had moved the headphones out of the new working base, and carefully placed them into the old broken base.

As a result, the batteries were dead. Noooo! There goes our marriage. At this point I was so annoyed that I was getting hot. I bent down to turn on the fan and the fan starts making a horrible sound. Clack clack clack!

Um... yeah. Guess what was in there? Yep. It took tweezers to remove the earbuds from the fan.

So either Ashton Kutcher has run out of D-list celebrities and has moved on to D-List normies, or Alexander has found a new way to amuse himself.

This is life with Alexander.

Laundry, backaches, and toddler comedy.

It's a pretty all right life.

Related Much?

2011-08-23T08:37:00.003-07:00

After making the last post, I realized how much Ava and Alexander look alike in recent blog pictures.

It's almost as if they are brother and sister. Luckily for them, they are based on an adorable template.

Future Data Nerd

2011-08-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's good to know that the data nerd genes were passed on.

I tried to grab a video of Ava randomly counting to herself, but of course it didn't start recording until she was already at 4 or 5. Turn up the volume for maximum cuteness.

So she counts to ten and then repeats "good counting" over her shoulder as she stumbles away in a homage to the Ministry of Silly Walks. That's our Ava. Already ahead of the curve in math and Monty Python references.

Yea!

THREEEEEEEEE!!!!

2011-08-15T08:40:00.001-07:00

Alexander turned three this weekend. I think that makes him either a very young boy, or an elderly toddler. Today, we are all suffering from a sugar hangover that can only come from partying too hard with a three-year-old.

Rule: Don't play with your food.
Fact: I just gave you cake with a toy truck plopped on top of it.
Conclusion: There are ridiculously complex rules for when certain rules apply. Also, I am a terrible cake decorator.

Now that Alexander is three, we promised him a set of keys for the boat. He was psyched.

Of course, it's a paddle boat. So, the joke was on him.

As it turns out, his legs are too short to reach the paddles, forcing the adult to do all the work. The joke was on us. He shoots, he scores!

Well played, son. Well played.

I can't believe I just used a sports metaphor. Oh, man. I think I pulled something. I knew I should have stretched first. Now I need some literal Icy Hot for my metaphorical sports metaphor injury.

Anyhoo... happy birthday, Alexander. We love you like crazy.

Ava: Close-up-and-shaky-style.

2011-08-02T07:29:00.000-07:00

Here is the alphabet...sort of. Ok, it's the avabet.

Ava assumes the everyone is always thanking her. You give her a cracker, she says "welcome!" You give her a big kiss, she says "welcome!" We tried to teach her to say "thank you", but... well, you'll see.

You're welcome.

Deep

2011-08-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then how much is a picture of making a picture worth? Before this mathematical conundrum literally blows your mind, please enjoy the following:

Alexander responds to Ava's artistic outburst of "NOOOO!" with a profound question.

Why not, indeed.

Our kids are so deep. They should be wearing black turtlenecks and writing confusing poetry 24/7.

BFFs

2011-07-22T10:43:00.001-07:00

Watching Alexander and Ava play together is almost too much yar for me to handle. Alexander loves to teach Ava new words, Ava loves to laugh at Alexander's jokes. They are a pretty good team. Who knows what the future might bring.

They might become…

An acrobatic team known for daring sit-n-spin maneuvers.

OR

The first brother-sister Latisse models.

(Latisse is a new pharmaceutical being advertised with insanely-long-eyelashed models. Latisse is supposed to increase eyelash volume for those that suffer from – as the commercial states - “inadequate or not enough lashes”. Apparently, their target demographic doesn’t know what the word “inadequate” means.)

OR

Alexander may have some crazy idea brewing that none of us can even imagine right now. Not even Ava.

Who knows?

But just as sure as tape on the nose is always funny

and ruffles on a baby hinder are always cute

exuberant sibling hugs are always free.

(And sometimes dangerous.)

I hope you’ve enjoyed this hearty slice of yar cheese.

Fear of Irony

2011-07-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Hellenologophobia: Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

When Comfort Food Goes Too Far

2011-07-19T11:21:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, grandma feeding you comfort food can be too comforting.

Blause

2011-07-09T10:57:00.001-07:00

There has been a lot of shenanigans, literal and figurative parades, various happenings, and milestones. There has also been a profoundly lazy blogger. I do have a doctor's note, though.

Please accept my sincere apologies for this blog pause, or "blause".

In the meantime, enjoy a these pictures of the children looking at something interesting. Probably a parade of the literal variety.

Well, what do YOU do when you can't sleep?

2011-06-29T02:19:00.000-07:00

Palindromes are the hottest trend in wasted college educations today! So I’ve jumped on the (nonexistent) bandwagon and written a few myself. Enjoy!

(1) Context: Guy driving in the car with his wife. He swerves to miss a squirrel. The car goes “ker-thunk!” and he looks in his rearview mirror trying to see if he just ran over the little guy.

“Hey! Did….”
“Ew!!”
“We did?”
“Yeh.”

(2) Quote from a husband whose loathing of traffic noise is only trumped by his loathing of hearing his wife (who suffers from IBS) loudly clink her knitting needles together.

“Stinky traffic is… um… MUSIC if 'Farty' knits!”

(3) Coverage of Sesame Street basketball game translated into Spanglish.

“El B Bird dribble!”

That is all.

Self-Rescuing Princess

2011-06-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is the new feminism and Ava is on the cutting edge.

Speaking of Ava, here is Ava speaking:

“Sleepy” – she sometimes tells us when she is tired. She rubs her eyes and says “sleepy.” It’s just as yarry as it sounds.

“Alla Dan Der” – her big brother

“That not nice” – Alla Dan Der sometimes says to her “Ava, that’s not nice!” when she grabs his toys out of his hands. So she repeats back to him “that not nice”. Then they wrestle to the ground, which she thinks is hilarious. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Yes, I tell them that. It doesn't work. They continue to horse (sometimes monkey) around so I have to try to conjure up more parental aphorisms. Kids these days...

“Great job” - she’s already self-congratulating at a 1st grade level! You think she is clapping? No, those are self-high fives.

Her walking skills have gone from sad to mad. (OK, nobody has used the term "mad skills" with sincerity for over 10 years now. The kids don't yet know how uncool I am, so let's just keep that between us. They will learn soon enough.) Ava has a technique that I call "The Drunken Toddler". She leads with her belly, zig zags, then falls. She would never pass a field sobriety test, which is why we made her hand over her car keys. But here is a shot of her walking pretty well:

Sorry about the sound. It was a really windy day in our house. Sorry it is so dark. There was also an eclipse. It was a weird day.

Joke or Million Dollar Idea?

2011-06-24T22:00:00.001-07:00

Here is a new joke, written and performed by Alexander:

Transcript:

Tim/Dad: What do you want to drink?

Alexander: (thinks) Pie! (bursts out laughing)

Tim/Dad: You can’t drink pie!

Alexander: It’s a joke. (this clarification is added just in case dad doesn’t get it. laughter continues)

Discussion:

Drinkable pie: Joke, or million dollar idea?

Answer: Joke. But, just in case, patent pending.

PS: I apologize for the excessive use of colons in this entry. The Colon Counsel has be riding me and says that if I don't make a (totally arbitrary!!!) quota they will drop their sponsorship of this blog. Sucks, right? They gave me a surprise audit (or "colonoscopy") and a written warning. So: are you happy now, Colon Counsel?? : : : : : : : : : : !!!

Uncle Dave and Uncle (sic) Rachel

2011-06-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for coming out and helping with the kids! Ava and Alexander loved having you here, and we did too. You guys are AWESOME!

I Always Take the Worst Vacations

2011-06-13T18:48:00.001-07:00

I’m back! The surgery went well with no complications or scalpels left behind. They cut a 4 mm tumor off my pituitary and removed some “suspicious tissue” too.

(note the eyes... dead giveaway for suspicious tissues)

I was in the hospital for 4 days and home within a week. Or, so I am told. I was pretty heavily medicated. I'm operating under the assumption that this is still 2011 - right???

So I am now home and on Load Mode. This may be the loadiest mode I’ve ever been in. I am not supposed to lift anything that weighs more than 5 pounds for the next 6 weeks. Ha! FIVE pounds??? That’s nothing. This blog weighs more than five pounds and it doesn’t even exist.

The kids are awesome. Grandma and Grandpa have superior parenting skills, so their care was actually much better in our absence. Ava learned a gadzillion new words (real ones, unlike “gadzillion”) and is walking around like crazy (literally, she looks a bit insane in an adorable baby kind of way). Alexander has new jokes to tell and a new found appreciation of baseball - which I am told is a “sport” played by “athletes” and watched by “fans”.

I don’t yet know if the surgery was success. Initial labs don’t look great, but it can take a while to be certain on whether or not I land on the “winning side” of the 65-70% cure rate. Time will tell. And then I'll tell you.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy Load Mode and do everything within my power not to sneeze. (Yes, I was told to not sneeze for 6 weeks. My brain could very well fall out. For reals.)

Surgery Date Changed and Some Randomness

2011-05-27T18:53:00.000-07:00

Just FYI… my surgery date has been moved to June 3rd. So we humbly ask that you take a moment on that day to say a prayer, light a candle, taunt a monkey… or whatever is a meaningful expression of faith for you. I just want some good vibes. I just hope they don’t slip and remove that part of my brain that overuses ellipses… because that’s my favorite way to trail off… How else can I express nonchalance and spaciness with the written word? What sort of blogger would I be if I were suddenly chalant and spaceless?

Anyhoo….

Please enjoy these pictures of the family watching a local t-ball legend (my nephew Harrison.) Here’s a fun fact about t-ball players: the size of the stains on their pants are proportional to their passion for the sport. Both my children are clearly impressed just to be in the presence of such athletic greatness. Yes, Ava, you can touch him. He IS real.

Finally, I’d like to close this post the coolest way I know how… with a ROCKIN’ recorder solo!!!!

Awesome.

If our kids made motivational posters...

2011-05-19T16:15:00.001-07:00

There.

I hope you feel adequately motivated.

Now get back to work. We need those TPS reports by 5:00.

Another Example of my Superior Parenting Skills

2011-05-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

The best moment in this video is right after the playdough hits his tastebuds.

In case you were wondering, the joke I was trying to get him to repeat is at the end of this video.

"Tuba plus tuba equals fourba!" Ba-dum-bum!

It's his new favorite joke. Although he still very much enjoys his "not a hat" bit, we hope this is another sign that he is moving away from prop comedy. Unless your are Joel Hodgson, there is just no career that begins with prop comedy that won't end in tragedy. (Be careful out there, Carrot Top!! I hope you sleep with your eyes open. Or at least with eyes drawn on your eyelids.)

This is what happens when you let Hasbro do your eye exam.

2011-05-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

We've Got a Walker Here, Folks

2011-05-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

Scientific Verification That I am “One in a Million”

2011-05-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

OK, actually they say it is more like five in a million. Whatever. I am still super dooper extra special. That’s the main point here.

As some of you are aware, I’ve been dealing with a lot of health issues lately. I’ve been in hardcore test-o-rama mode since about January, and the good news is that I can finally stop. The doctors just gave up and won’t return my calls. Oh well.

Just kidding (although I may have been close to that point).

I have a relatively rare condition called Cushing’s Disease. I won’t bore you or gross you out with all the symptoms.

Here is a brief video to tells you the gist of it:

If you don’t understand ill-conceived metaphors based on available stock footage, try this one. It has newscasters and everything:

So I’ll be having surgery on June 10th. We are traveling to MD Anderson in Houston. Not a lot of surgeons have substantial experience treating this, so we had to travel to find a surgeon who wouldn’t try to repair me with duct tape and WD-40.

I have roughly a 70% chance of this surgery working. I like them odds. There are other options if this doesn’t work (possibly including duct tape and WD-40) but we’ll worry about that only if we have to.

My hospital stay will be brief - if all goes well, I should be out of there in four days. I am, however, expected to be a total load for at least a month afterwards. After a month… well, I’ll probably still be a load because, frankly, I enjoy the lifestyle.

Here’s a brief explanation of Cushing’s Disease if you are curious to learn more: CLICK HERE FOR LEARNIN'.

I know Our Dumb Blog readers have come to expect a certain level of “yar” in every post. So here you go:

(yar)

More news as it happens.

Shameless Yar and Assorted Shenanigans

2011-05-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

"Not a Hat" Joke goes too far?

Father instructs his son on how to maximize comedy.

"I should have had an exit strategy."

Totally ready for driver's license.

Portrait of AWESOME.

Drool is a very hot accessory for babies this season.

Wait, stop. Why are we laughing again?

Small Child Manual Transportation Device(tm)

Bellies are exposed and kisses are blown.

The Holy Venn Diagram of Easter

2011-04-26T17:50:00.000-07:00

As you can see, at the intersection of bunny rabbits, eggs, Cadbury chocolate and Jesus there is EASTER. Yeeeaaaa!!!

(This is why I'm not allowed to teach Sunday School.) (Ok, this is one reason why I'm not allowed to teach Sunday School.)

We hope your Easter was the perfect combination of adorable, slightly sulfuric, sweet, and holy.

BOB Books – Simply Awful or Just Terrible?

2011-04-25T17:17:00.001-07:00

I know many parents adore the “BOB Books", so I hope rabid BOB fans won’t hunt me down for the BOB blasphemy I am about to commit. But OH… MY… BOB … I am not a fan. There, I said it. I do not like BOB books. You will not find me waiting in line at midnight at Barnes and Noble for the next installment of the BOB series.

Yeah, it may be pretty lame of me to criticize books intended for toddlers. And as a pretend writer myself, I don’t like to criticize the creative efforts of fellow writers. These books, however, were not authored by a writer. They were written by a random word generator and then edited by a bloated - and possibly inebriated - corporate committee. (Pretty sure that is almost totally true.)

Let me give you an example of the horror that is the BOB books. This book is called “Mac”.

The illustrations make me feel… slightly disappointed. I dunno. Kinda like I really want a fudgsicles but all we have are popsicles, ya know? Also, I have the urge to punch Mac in his stupid box head. But, mostly I just feel a fudgsicle-ish disappointment.

Here is the text of the entire story:
Mac had a bag.
The bag had a dog.
Mac had a bag and a dog.
Mag had a rag.
Mac can tag Mag.
Mac got the rag.
Mac sat on the rag.
Mag sat on the bag.
THE END

And this, my dear readers, is one of their BETTER ones of the first set.

Toddler friendly? Yes. I guess so. If by “friendly” you mean that toddlers will be able to read the words and quickly realize reading is an activity in which they should never willingly engage... then, yeah. This book is totally toddler friendly.

Now, here is the funny part. This is the description on the back of the book::

Here is what it says if you can’t read it off the picture:
Mac and Mag show the fun of good sportsmanship as they run and tag. The end of the story finds Mac with the rag and Mag with the bag, a switch from the beginning. Their expressions show the enjoyment of playing and sharing.

Wait… WHAT?? First of all, it’s a 38 word story (40 if you count “The End”) with a 43 word summary? I guess I am a purest when it comes to "summaries". And second of all… WHAAAT? Did you read the same story I just read? What sportsmanship?? What fun??? What story??? What’s happening?? Where am I? What’s that smell?

Now before you go and say “hey, those are meant for 2-year-old readers not adults” I want to point out that Alexander is not impressed either. He looks at them every now and then, but he always has this look that says “laaaame” by the end of the story.

My assessment could very well be off-base. These are very popular and successful books, after all. But in my opinion there are much better early readers out there. Ones that won’t make parents want draw eyes on a cardboard box just for the pleasure of throwing a punch at it. Preschool Prep has a good set. And there are these cool books called “We Both Read” where there is a page for the parents to read, and then an easier page for the kid to read.

Now I’ll just sit back and wait for “boxheads” (diehard BOB fans) to start picketing on my front lawn. Weirdos.

Ava is Using Bubby’s Comedy Material

2011-04-20T16:03:00.000-07:00

Here she is trying very hard to say “it’s not a hat.”

She said in more clearly when the camera was off, of course… but you get the idea. Lucky for her, Alexander’s trademark on the phrase “that’s not a hat” is still pending.

And here she is learning her letters.

Rocket Converted Into Castle

2011-04-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

It’s the new hipster trend in reclaimed upcycled housing!!

Under construction:

Done!

Of course, now that I've written about it I'm afraid the trend is over. So very very over.

She is Happy and Aware of Said Happiness

2011-04-19T16:44:00.000-07:00

"Lost Video" from Ava's birthday

2011-04-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

Let's see what gems ended up on the cutting room floor... enjoy!

I love how Alexander is holding on to Harrison for dear life, and then is thrown back from the massive g-force. The "fourth wall" of this fantasy, however, is broken when Harrison is asked "where did you land?" (expected answer: the moon, mars, planet Gerfaludfruuudin) and he answered "right over here" pointing the the floor. This fantasy sequence is OVER, man.

A quiet moment with Aunt Rachel. This is an accidental 5-second video taken when I meant to take a picture instead. The big-eyed yarfest continued for quite some time.

And a solo rendition of Happy Birthday.

Alexander's New Comedy Material

2011-04-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

Alexander: I 1 a skunk
Hapless Victim: I 2 a skunk
A: I 3 a skunk
HV: I 4 a skunk
A: I 5 a skunk
HV:I 6 a skunk
A: I 7 a skunk
HV: I 8 a skunk
A: You ate a skunk!! AAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

...

A: I 9 a skunk
HP: Really?
A: I NIIIINE a skunk!
HP: OK. I 10 a skunk
A: I 11 a skunk
HP: I 12 a skunk
A: I 13 a skunk
HP: You know, jokes typically end at the punchline.
A: No end!!! I THIRTEEN a skunk!
HP: *sigh* I 14 a skunk.

(And so on and so on and so on and so on and so on. There's gotta be another punchline if you just keep counting high enough, right?? We have yet to find it.)

Yar.

2011-04-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

Here are a few previews of Ava's 1 year pictures.

Kim Youra Photography Blog

Kim is a baby photographer extraordinaire. Look what she let Ava do in her studio (see last picture on above link). That is dedication to her craft.

Roar and Sock

2011-04-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

A Trip to the Moon

2011-04-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

Since we buy everything on the Internets, we often end up with a stash of large boxes in our home. We trip over them, fall into them, repurpose them into shelving, and sometimes we just set them ablaze and push them off into the lake like the Vikings did with their diapers.com boxes.

Alexander decided one especially large box was a rocket ship. Destination: The MOOOOOOOON!

First he had to assess what he had to work with. I’m theorizing that since the neighbor does all his car work without a shirt on, Alexander knew that this was a shirtless endeavor.

Then he had to decorate it. (Note, shirt was donned… but mostly because it was a cold day. Mentally, he is still totally shirtless.):

Finally, it was time to hire a good captain. (In this case, his cousin who is THREE times his age and therefore has three times the space travel experience.)

(note: two heads)

And they haven't been seen since.

No, they made it back.

Mission Accomplished.

Fathers May Be Better Than They Appear In This Blog

2011-04-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

Here is an actual transcript from an actual conversation with Tim (father of my children, giver of paternal wisdom, wearer of smoking jackets).

Me: Watch Ava, she is going to fall.

Tim: Why would I want to watch that?

Me: Please watch her, she’s going to hurt herself.

Tim: Wow, that sounds horrible. No way, I definitely don’t want to see that.

I laughed for five minutes. Literally. Ava probably is fine, I kinda lost track. True story.

what...am...I...watching???

2011-04-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

If you look for potty training tips online, I guess you have this sort of audio-visual trauma coming:

What IS this? What is happening? Where are they? What on earth are we watching here? It's like this surreal German-Pentecostal Potty Training Revival. Even God is there.

What the WHAT?

Let us turn to 1 Flushilonians, Chapter 1 Verse 2 "Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, I ain't gonna pee pee my bed tonight, doeth the will of thine bladder."

And now I can't get that song out of my head.

Thanks, stoopid Internets!!!

Holy Geez

2011-04-05T08:06:00.001-07:00

I can’t believe Ava is now ONE. I guess in retrospect, I saw it coming.

So, how do we commemorate this big birthday? In two easy steps you can try at home.

Step one: We party! (Par-tay, even.)

(the pink stuffed animal is a kitty. "Kitty" is one of Ava's favorite words - right next to "Up" "Down" and "Booooooooooook.")

(Classic WTF moment.)

(The "F" is for "Fun". This is a family blog.)

(Classic paparazzi moment.)

(Nom.)

(Aunt Rachel always understands.)

After everyone left, and we changed her out of her cupcake encrusted dress, she crawled into a chair and passed out. Always the sign of an excellent party.

Step 2: We see the doctor!
OK, this step in commemorating a first birthday isn’t as fun as step one. Everyone else gave Ava awesome books, clothes, and toys, but Ava had to use her fake “oh, what a great gift” face when the doctor presented her with the gift of SHOTS. (FYI, Ava needs a lot more practice on her “oh, what a great gift” face. It was an epic fail. Epic.)

I got my baby data fix. Ava continues to be 97th (+) percentile for height but her weight has crept up to about 60th percentile. Don’t suppose this had anything to do with it:

"Totally worth it! Om nom nom nom!!"

.

My Dinner with Ava

2011-04-01T17:14:00.000-07:00

Enjoy a random moment with Ava...

My favorite is how she says "book."

We both come off as a bit crazy.

Just a bit.

But keep in mind that the camera adds 10 crazies.

.

Weeee II.

2011-03-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry it sounds like Garrison Keillor behind the camera. I have a cold so I'm mouth breathing. I'm also wearing my Darth Vadar mask today, so that is partly to blame.

Weeee.

2011-03-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

I Love the Internets

2011-03-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

Garfield Minus Garfield is total genius. Here is how the creator describes it:

Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.

And a few samples to either get you hooked or to assure my removal from your Christmas card list. Enjoy!

Museumarium and Childrentorium

2011-03-14T16:57:00.001-07:00

We visited a Children’s Museum. It was fun. Odd, but fun.

At a miniature Potbelly’s, Alexander waited for his plastic sandwich to come through the pretend oven.

There were also opportunities to try out more prestigious labcoat wearin’ jobs. Like Veterinarian:

“Diagnosis: Way Too Many Bones.”

Alexander even had the opportunity to see what it would be like to be on a daytime talk show. Alexander walked up on stage, sat down with his hands folded, and trusted the interviewer would soon turn and start asking him questions – possibly about his recently released book. Sadly, the interviewer was just a local grandma trying to get her granddaughter to behave. He never even had a chance to talk about his book.

OK, so this seemed like 90% Toddler Career Day. But the museum also reinforced basic scientific principals, such as “water is wet.”

It was a struggle to get Alexander to move past the “Getting Your Children Soaked” exhibit.

There were a few places where I could put Ava down and let her play with other babies. She is quite a social butterfly, and almost downright aggressive in her affections for other babies. For the most part, though, she was confined to the safety of her stroller so she didn’t get trampled by the herds of career-driven toddlers.

Micropress Publishes Microauthor

2011-03-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

Alexander wrote a book. It’s called My Cats and it’s been published by a small local press! It’s sort of an independent micro-press, actually. It’s called HP LaserJet 1022. Have you heard of it? It’s located right next to our computer.

Alexander is very pleased.

He is available for private readings and book signings. Just contact his PR guy.

Best Birthday EVAH

2011-03-14T16:31:00.001-07:00

We braved a trip to Iowa for my birthday because I really wanted to see my Grandma. I was prepared for the idea that the kids would be screaming/crying/pooping for the entire four hour trip. As it turned out, the kids were eerily good in the car.

Grandma was very happy to see her great grandkids. And they were very happy to see their great grandma. Alexander gave her about 900 hugs, and fortunately remembered “gentle touches” despite his excitement.

Alexander wanted to go to the park near GG’s house. He held his great grandma’s hand for most journey which yarred the livin’ daylights out of me.

There was a rather crumbly slide at the park that was a lot of fun. Hey, who wants snacks? Lead paint chips for everyone!

This “see-saw” is mis-learning our youth about basic physics.

It also teaches unrealistic expectations about the payload of pelicans. Oh well, they are having fun.

Good times all around.

"Neeeear! Faaaar!"

2011-03-14T15:55:00.000-07:00

I can't get Grover's voice out of my head after watching this video.

Feburary is a Good Month for Blog Tumbleweed

2011-02-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

OK, Blog. I know you are probably feeling abandoned and neglected. I never meant to hurt you, I was just busy and stuff. Look, I’m sorry, ok? Just stop looking at me with those big sad bloggy eyes. I’ll even make a post today, huh? How’s that sound?

(By the way, Blog, when did you achieve consciousness? And eyeballs? Do I need to alert the authorities or just roll with it? I’ll just roll with it.)

Let the healing begin. Here is our dumb post:

The children have continued to grow and be adorable.

That is the Cliff Notes version of this entire blog from August 2008 onward. Here are a four current points of interest.

(1) Ava continues to meow at the cats, but can now (kinda) say “Cat!”

(2) Alexander got a haircut, screamed and cried throughout, and now looks like a young republican.

(3) I'll let Alexander explain this one (don't worry, there is an interpreter.)

He has already earned more stickers for going to the bathroom than any other member of his family. (Previous record: 0) Congratulations, young potty patron!

We are unsure of how long this potty-for-stickers thing should last. We realize that it would be hard to monitor and keep track of his potty use after he goes to college, so we should end it some time before then…?

(4) Out of the blue, Alexander came up to Ava and gave her a very gentle hug and said “I love you, Aba”. It was seriously the cutest and sweetest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Ever, ever, ever, EV-AH!

EEEEVVVV-AAAAH!!!!

That is all.

Oh... right, the blog!

2011-02-12T10:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the dramatic pause. I didn't mean to leave you hanging. I wish I could blame the massive amounts snow, but it’s really just due to being apathetic. I’m feeling more pathetic now, though… so here’s our update.

Just as Tim was about to take his “Jack Nicolson as Jack Torrance” impression too far, we were dug out. We emerged from the house all dazed and squinty eyed. We instinctively began to forage for supplies. We are well stocked now for any future apocalypses … whether they are of local, biblical, Mayan, Al Gore, or zombie proportions. How much Crystal Light do YOU have at the ready? If it is less than this:

Then you, my friend, will be in grave need of a refreshing, yet low calorie, beverage additive when the end times are upon us. Good luck. Of course, we don’t have a lot of water. So…

Actually the reason for the silly amount of Crystal Light is because I keep forgetting if we have Crystal Light. Just to be extra sure my family’s Crystal Light needs are being met, I err on the side of caution and I pick up a pack. If only we had the technology to know what provisions were needed while at a grocery store. Some sort of list by which to guide our shopping. Well, I’ll leave that to the scientists and the brilliant folks at the Invention Exchange.

Alexander has been workshopping some new stand-up material. He puts a bowl on his head and says “A bowl is not a hat!” I know, he can’t believe how funny he is either.

We are urging Alexander to move away from prop comedy, but his test audience begs to differ.

Sorry the children are a bit crusty-faced in the above pictures. This particular performance was part of a dinner theater. I do try to hose them down every now and then.

Oh, Snooooow!!!!!! (I knoooow!)

2011-02-03T13:38:00.001-08:00

So we officially got 27 inches of snow and we are stuck. We live at the bottom of a hill, so we had a lot of crazy drifting action. We also live in a cul-du-sec, so we are pretty low priority as far as the city is concerned. A snow plow tried to clear our street this morning, but got stuck and had to get a bigger truck to tow it out. We were then abandoned.

We've eaten all of our rations and are already turning on each other. Hey, look - a Mars bar!! Ok, we're cool for another thirty minutes.

Here is a creepy shut-in-esque picture of the snow taken through the window blinds.

Oh, Bloggy. What happened to us? Now we are just talking about the weather? Is that what we have become? Yes? Ok then.

Anyway...So our family and our next door neighbor's family are trapped. Yep. Snowed in. Anyone seen The Shining? This really reminds of that because Ava's giant round eyes look just like Shelley Duvall's. Also the excessive snow. And also Tim keeps talking to an invisible bartender. (But to be fair, he did that long before it started snowing.)

The kids are dealing with being snowed in and their father's insanity in their own ways. Alexander is trying to sleep it out. Yes, he actually TOOK A NAP. Awww...He looks like a boogery angel when he's sleeping:

He's also been visiting the invisible bartender. He pretends to sip tea out of a little plastic teacup and giggles as he says "Needs salt!"

Ava's started talking to the cats. For reals. Whenever she sees a cat, she doesn't say "cat". She says something that sounds a lot like "meow." So she's bilingual. Not bragging... just saying....

OK. Tim's repeatedly sticking his head through the door and shouting "Here's Johnny!" I'm going to go see if that invisible bartender knows any invisible therapists.

Stoopid snow.

Our Dumb Snow

2011-02-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

We've had 20 inches of snow so far in Blizzardgate, with drifts up to Manute Bol proportions:

Tim's car tried to raise a white flag. Sadly, it could not be seen in the snowstorm.

All the roads are closed in our county and we're in a state of emergency. Literally. Send beer. And goldfish crackers.

Milestoned and other Whatnottery

2011-02-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

Tim got me a new camera for Christmas. It's all fancy and has a functional zoom buttom. Yeaaaa! No more bursting personal space bubbles just to get a good shot. It has a video function like my last camera, but the videos come out on a different format. So this is a test to see how and if these videos upload to the blog.

Stand by for test video.

Test video... ENGAGE.

In other female child related news...Ava has discovered she can "cruise". In the babyworld, this means she can take steps while holding onto something (like walking along the couch.) That that is the big milestone in our house. What's new with you?

Possibly Insane Man Seeks Like-Minded Roommate

2011-01-15T12:26:00.000-08:00

This advertisement seeking a roommate has been up for months. I can’t believe this guy hasn’t found a roommate yet. I mean, he hung up a really nice, possibly hospital-issued, towel in his window. He wrote with his best permanent marker “Roommate Wanted” and yet no one has called. It makes no sense.

I like how one corner of the towel is hanging down. It says “hey, I’m a casual guy. I’d be an easy-going roommate.” It also says “I have a surprising amount of scotch tape on hand...but not the ridiculous amount that would be required to keep this corner of the towel from falling.” There is a bench out front for traffic watching, you can have your choice of TWO front doors, and there is no need to worry about cleaning out the gutters because there is no roof. It is SWEET. Also, you may be dismembered.

Sorry the picture is so blurry. We didn’t get out, or even slow down the car to take the picture... because we value our lives.

Learning and Hilarities

2011-01-15T12:16:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of Bub telling Ava his favorite new joke. He says “PPPPPSSBBST!” (or other nonsense sound) and then says “That’s not a word!” Laughter follows.

Despite the unorthodox method of teaching Ava what sounds are NOT words, she has managed to learn a few new words. In addition to “mama” and “hi” and the always useful “uh-oh”, Ava now calls the big guy “dada”. Yar!!! Tim literally exploded. Literally. He’s ok, though.

Alexander has let Ava make use of his old Fortress of Solitude.

Doesn’t she look tall? According to the doctor at her 9-month checkup, she now weighs 17 lbs and is 29 inches long….er tall. Can we graduate to calling it “tall” now? Long always sounds so zoological. The fact that the Fortress of Solitude is essentially a baby terrarium doesn’t help either.

OK, back to learning…

Ava Got It In Drive

2010-12-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

OK, I finally have video of Ava crawling forward. Sorry it took so long. I'm sure you all put your lives on hold waiting for this video. Well, you can finally get back to prodding the cattle and shaving the sheep (or whatever it is you do) because here it is:

Yep... after months of being stuck in reverse, Ava finally popped her gear into "drive".

(Did I do that car analogy right? I know cars about as well as I know sports. But I am pretty confident that I hit a touchdown out of the park with the above car-related metaphor.)

Yartide

2010-12-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

Here are some random Christmas pictures. (Random in that they were carefully selected so we all look semi-entertaining, halfway competent, and relatively good looking.)

Here are the kids on Christmas morning. Bub is showing Ava how her fancy new blocks work.

We went to Grandma and Grandpas. By the time we got there, Bub had decided that since it was barely below freezing that going barefoot was best. He was re-shoed before being allowed out of the car.

Ava yarred out everyone with her Christmas dress.

She enjoyed feeling Aunt Rachel's face. It felt facey.

As usual, grandpa was emitting powerful sedatives. She was unconscious within moments of being in his arms.

Yea, Christmas!!!

Fun with Funnel Fundamentals

2010-12-27T14:20:00.000-08:00

Here is Tim putting the FUN back in the often dreary world of funnels.

.

.

Please note: no babies, or funnels, were harmed in the making of these videos. Please don't write a letter to PETF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Funnels).

So that was us putting the "fun" in "funnel". Somedays we put the "el" in "funnel"... which means we put the "the" in funnel. I don't know what that means either... but that's why this is called "Our Dumb Blog" and not "Our Highly Insightful and Dare We Say Witty Blog".

We need MORE SPRINKLES!!!

2010-12-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

Alexander decorated Christmas cookies. He was very careful with the colored gel...

And he showed enormous self-control with the sprinkles....

Wait...did I say enormous self control? I meant the opposite of that.

May your holidays be filled with excessive sprinkles!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Kids Say the Darnedest blah blah blahs

2010-12-20T15:49:00.001-08:00

Yes, it's another installment of my kid saying the darnedest whatnots and whathaveyous...

Alexander likes to play with the weather channel feature of the Wii. He goes around the world, clicks on various cities and gets the weather forecast. He reports the temperature to us, and whether it is cloudy, sunny, raining, snowing, etc. Perhaps this will translate into a lucrative career as Al Roker someday.

Today he clicked on a city where it was night time and clear. So instead of a sun, it had a picture of a moon. He said "43 degrees and moonie."

Whaaant-waaaaaaaaah! (<--- Trombone enhanced punchline.)

(As a sidenote...One downside of him learning numbers on the weather channel is that he has started adding "degrees" to at the end of almost every number. For instance, the speed limit up the street is "25 Degrees". If we ever get pulled over, Bubby is doing the talking.)

...

In other news... Ava is now crawling FORWARD!!! After months of backwards crawling, she has finally figured out how to get her hinder out of reverse. So there is a whole new world of shenanigans for her to explore, head first.

Clean Up on Aisle Ava

2010-12-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

Alexander really likes to be a helper. By “helper” I mean someone that causes everything to take twice as long and be three times as messy. One way he likes to help is by feeding his sister. Check out the yar.

Here is a picture of one rockin’ meal. Literally. Bubby and Ava both look like they are screaming their way through an Iron Maiden record. Plus, check out Ava’s right hand.

A Boy and His Tree

2010-12-19T18:13:00.000-08:00

We went out last weekend and got a Christmas tree. It was skinny enough to fit in the playroom, and fat enough to still be a respectable Christmas tree.

("meh.")

("yeaaa!")

Alexander was so insanely excited about getting a Christmas tree that I felt like Momineezer Scrouge for not getting a dozen trees… for each room of the house. He loves the tree. He says good night to it before he goes to bed. He talks about it quite a lot. He makes sure Ava knows how awesome the tree is.

I’m not sure how he will take the news that after Christmas, Grandpa is going to both remove the tree from our house and to BURN it in his backyard. Hopefully by then he will be over tree mania. Otherwise, you'll see a post in Feburary titled "A Boy and his Fire Hazard."

Bundled Bub

2010-12-19T18:12:00.001-08:00

There is something so endearing about a small child immobilized for a harsh Midwestern winter.

He can’t even find his hands. Awwww…

Kitty-like Baby

2010-12-10T14:56:00.000-08:00

Exhibit A:
Serious tongue action when eating.

Exhibit B:
Happiest on high perches.

Conclusion:
Parenting responsibilities are falling too heavily on Cow and Bear's shoulders.

Gobble.

2010-12-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving! We had family over and ate crock pot ham and a smoked turkey ordered online. So like the pilgrims... I didn’t take part in the meat-fest, of course. I just stood back and watched in horror… or mild disinterest. I’m not what one would call a Tofuist (a name I just made up for insane vegan activists - it makes them sound sort of cute and fun! Not like the tree hugging, hemp-wearing, compost piling, red paint throwing, condescending head shakers that some tofuists really are.)

The meal was good, but our house took a beating this year. A coffee table, a toliet, a bathroom door, an ice maker... those were just a few victims of the holiday. Next year we are installing full-nerf coverage on every guest to keep them safe and immobile.

Alexander LOVED getting to play with his cousin.

And Great Grandma got to see how massive Ava has become.

Speaking of Ava... she is locomoting at lot more now. She makes pretty good time crawling backwards. She can also hinder-hop forward while in a sitting position – like a levitating Maharishi. Much to her dismay, her first tooth is coming in:

Nevermind the sweet potatoes up her nose. (Don't ask.) Here is an "enhanced" shot so you can see the tooth better.

She’s clapping, waving, and “talking” more. Total yarfest.

Tim just turned 40. He's also clapping, waving, and "talking" more. We had a little party and I paid our local bakery to make a cake for him. Using his money. Aren't I a great wifey??
He'll miss being a member of a key demographic, but he still knows how to rock.

(See file photo below of Tim Rocking)

New Hip Young (very young) Musical Act

2010-11-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

One plays the harmonica while the other provides the laugh track. This is the future of music... at least in our house.

If we can get enough songs written, we'll finally have a use for that album-cover-esque picture of Alexander from when he was 3 months old:

Awwww....sweet album coverish memories.

Can't...stop...taking....pictures!!!

2010-11-11T13:29:00.001-08:00

Long time, no blog. Sore-Ree!!! (Apologies always sound better with a Canadian flare, don't you think?)

Pretty much the expected level of yar, drool, tantrums, mantrums, messiness, happiness, sugar n’ spice, and everything twice here. Lots of pictures continue to be taken, even though the family camera only barely works. The zoom function stopped working a while ago so I have to zoom the “old school” way… which is to run up to people saying “ZOOM!!!” Maybe shouting “zoom” isn’t necessary, but it makes for some interesting expressions.

So what have we been taking unzoomed pictures of lately?

90% Kids

9.9% Kids, but out of focus so you can’t tell

0.1% The inside of my purse.

Here are a few of those 90%….

Alexander loves to swing. By that, I mean he literally goes insane with happiness. Literally.

The big kid swing was pretty fun too.

But didn’t allow for these kind of (possibly illegal) shenanigans.

Ava couldn’t figure out why we had a spatula at the park. It looked like Alexander was getting ready to do some weird performance art piece...and Ava is so over performance art. What is this, 1993??

And Ava was all ….

But then the magic of bubbles made everyone happy…

Except for the grass and trees. They probably weren’t thrilled to be covered in Dawn dish soap. At least they are no longer greasy. They were greasy, filthy trees before we arrived. Covered in bacon grease and grime...shameful. So…YOUR WELCOME, nature.

In other news... there are still no teeth in sight for Ava… but she’s looking for them every day!

Our kids are also practicing their “Tilt of Adorability”. It’s that very subtle head tilt that is so endearing in small children and select small animals. Please don’t try this at home. You might pull something trying to look THIS adorable. (Not that you aren’t cute… but… er… I mean, I love what you are doing with your hair. Very cool. Um, I gotta slowly back out of this…)

And that’s just ONE DAY of pictures in our big eyed world right now. No wonder our camera has worn out.

Ava vs. Gravity

2010-11-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

Here is Ava standing with minimal support:

Here is Ava falling with minimal support:

It’s the school of hard knocks here, people.

(And she was fine after lots of kisses from mommy. Yes, she was. Moo-moo-moo-moo-mWAH!) (But, really...Hard knocks.)

Trick or Meh

2010-11-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

Alexander wasn’t thrilled with the Elmo costume which was purchased, evidently, more for the amusement of adults than for his own enjoyment. Adults who stood by and did nothing….or, worse, took pictures… as Elmo opened his impossibly wide maw and devoured Bub.

“Elmo has a taste for blood. Yeeeeeaaaaa!!!! Hahaha!”

**shudder**

Alexander was, however, thrilled to trick or treat with his cousin Harrison.

Some houses had some elaborate animatronics. Some people had elaborate costumes. The look on Alexander’s face says it all.

Meh.

This look sums up what Bub thought of the tremendous effort put into Halloween costumes and decorations displayed in his grandparent’s neighborhood.

Total meh. With a dash of "really? really??"

But lameness of the holiday aside, hanging out with Daddy is always good for a laugh.

Oh…and Ava was a lady bug…and just glad to be with grandpa.

Happy Halloween.

Zee Great Ar-teest!

2010-10-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

Alexander has always loved art (to make art, that is... not to don a turtleneck and walk around a museum). He's had a creative breakthrough. Up until recently, we only knew what he was drawing because he would tell us. A yellow school bus? Maaaaybeee.... if you squint. And disregard all previous knowledge of school buses.

Now, though, he has drawn things that are almost recognizable. Check out this rainbow he drew for Grandma:

He drew it, told me it was a rainbow, and by crayola it's a reasonable suggestion of a rainbow! Then he signed it with a big "A".

Rainbows have become his specialty. In a close second are "happy faces". His passion for drawing happy faces came in handy for decorating a pumpkin for Halloween:

Magnifique!

And what great artist doesn't have a muse? Here's Bubby being enthralled with his little gal pal:

Rainbows and happy faces.

For reals.

Yar(n) Hat

2010-10-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

Grandma has some mad yarn manipulatin' skilz. Check out this adorable hat she made for Ava.

OK... this is getting redundant, isn't it? I have a ridiculous number of similar pictures in my camera right now. This illustrates one of the basic laws of yardynamics: cute hat + cute baby -> excessive photography. That's just yar physics 101.

Thank you, grandma! You really know your cute-enhancement headgear!

Stairway to Muffin

2010-10-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

Is Tim holding two guitars super close together?

or

Is he holding…

ONE TOTALLY AWESOME GUITAR with TWO (count them, TWO) NECKS!?1?!

Happy Anniversary, Muffin. We have two rockin’ children, so it seemed appropriate to get you a two-necked guitar.

Of course, I don’t have a job or any money, so… well, this is awkward... Is it less romantic if you get a bill for your own anniversary gift?

I hope not.

ACKWARD!

Bub Knows How To Be a Good Big Brother

2010-10-12T14:12:00.001-07:00

Watching Bub and Ava interact is just an endless source of yar. Alexander digs baby toys out of his toy box, and presents them to her. He gives her cheerios – a sacrifice of tremendous love for a two-year-old. Yesterday he had two spontaneous acts of big-brotherlyness that almost made me explode from the insane level of cute.

One was when we were sitting on the couch. I was holding Ava and Alexander was snuggled on my side. He reached over and held her hand. YAR!!!!

Enhance.

OK, that isn’t an enhancement of that previous shot. I just like to say “enhance” like they do in the movies. It’s actually a different shot, with a vaseline-coated soap opera lens. This shot shows better hand-holding technique, which just increases the yar.

Later he gave her an unsolicited big hug!! This was followed by several solicited hugs after I ran and got my camera.

“Hi!”

2010-10-12T14:10:00.001-07:00

Ava said her first word: hi! A baby’s first word is always a little debatable…

Does she know what she is saying? Not likely.

Does that matter? Only if you are made of STONE. Seriously. It’s so cute. It’s almost more of a “ha” then a “hi”… Close enough.

When she is in the right mood, she repeats “hi” back to us… and she has now said it to the cats a couple of times. The kitties were impressed, but yet unresponsive.

So…we are calling it official. Ava says “hi”.

Laughing Ava - Jurrasic Style

2010-10-07T20:05:00.000-07:00

Laughing baby videos never get old, right? I mean, laughing baby videos always win on America's Funniest Home Videos... unless they are up against some guy getting hit in the crotch in some clearly-not-staged manner. (Which seems to happen with suspicious frequency to people that send videos in to this show.* If someone tells you they are making a video for AFHV, wear a cup.) So, no crotches were harmed in this video... but there is an adorable laughing baby.

You can hear Ava 'going Jurassic' here - which is when she starts screeching. Crank it up and enjoy. (Although, our canine blog readers may want to skip this one.)

As a sidenote: I'm sure this video really destroys the illusions you all had of us as very tidy people. (And by "you all", I mean those of you who have never met us or looked at this blog before.) So can we just pretend like our kitchen table isn't stacked high with bills, graham crackers, sippy cups, oily rags, and matches? Thanks.

*I should note that I haven't actually seen a full episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. It should be called America's Crotch Hateningest Home Videos. The laugh tracks don't help... they just make me very very sad for crotches.

Seriously?

2010-10-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

Being a Farmer is Awesome Fun

2010-10-06T08:44:00.001-07:00

A week (er…two??) ago we went to a local farm. You know, to get the children in touch with their Iowa roots. This farm was awesome!!! It had a slide, and pony rides, and everything! Here we just thought we’d be showing the boy some corn fields and maybe a high density feed lot. But, wow, farming has really changed.

They had a real nice crop of plywood photo-ops this year:

I’m not sure what they use this fancy piece of farm machinery for. It looks like it came from Tim Burton's farm, though. (It's weird, whimsical, and slightly rickety.)

Of course, every farm has a slide.

The best part was the livestock. Gigantic cattle? Smelly hogs? No. How about ADORABLE PONIES!!!

And animals that are bred to actually smile for the camera:

The farmers must have used a shrink-ray on this one. That's how you get small goats, right? A John Deere Shrink-ray?:

After being around all those animals, it’s good to clean up with a nice corn-based bath.

Modern farming is so awesome.

Girl Data is In....

2010-10-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

Ava had her 6-month appointment. Diagnosis: YAR! (She really yarred out the doctor by smiling and squealing at her.) Her growth data looks great. She weighs 14 lbs 14 oz, is 50th percentile for weight and head circumference and 97th percentile for height.

That's some fine growing there, honey.

Major Award!!

2010-09-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

Tim has won a major award!!

I've always told him that he is super awesome at all things audio, but it's always nice to have an unbiased third party confirm this.

The Los Angles Reel Film Festival awarded Splatter "Best Narrative Feature Sound Design." Yep. Tim designed the crap out of that sound, and is getting props for it.

We'll let you know when Splatter is available for public consumption.

Focusin ... for reals

2010-09-20T13:21:00.000-07:00

This is a quote from an actual magazine ad…

“His math homework is two days late.

It’s in his backpack, which he left on the bus.

Again.

It feels like everyone is giving up on him.

I need a way to help him, but all I have is tears.”

Whoa.

Unnecessary drama alert! Wooooot! Woooooot! Woooot! Dingdingding!! ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!

That’s my unnecessary drama alarm. I have it set to “ironic”.

Anyway…Guess what that is an ad for? ADHD drugs 4 kidz.

Now, I’m not denying that a small percentage of children truly need and benefit from pharmaceuticals. That’s a decision for parents and doctors to make, not some random judgmental outsider (like myself). But… Really, pharmaceutical company? I mean… really?? Your desperation to broaden your consumer base is getting a bit embarrassing for all of us. Now you want parents to medicate their children for leaving stuff on the bus?

The “mom” in the ad is hilariously fragile. Surely parents like this only exist in the fantasies of drug company CEOs. I mean, we all have bad days where perhaps we entertain the idea of drugging our children. (Ok, I've never entertained that thought ...but as this blog clearly demonstrates, my children are perfect and cannot be improved with any child-enhancing drugs.) Maybe the pharmaceutical company just happened to catch this fictional mom at a bad time. But, honestly, if you are going to break down in tears and toss pills at your kid every time his homework is late, you are clearly living in The Valley of the Dolls (or beyond).

(simulated drug company CEO fantasy)

Here’s what I imagine will be their next ad campaign:

“He refused to eat his broccoli at dinner.

Again.

I feel like everyone has given up on him eating lima beans.

I need a way to help him, but all I have is tears.”

So… yeah.

...

(FYI... "Focusin" in the title is a reference to the Simpson's take on ADHD drugs and not the name of the actual drug from the ad.)

The Drama of a Haircut

2010-09-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

I know where my skills end and the possibility of dismemberment begins.

Despite the fact that I have repeatedly asked Alexander to stop growing so much hair, we found that he was once again shaggy and in need of a haircut. *sigh* Two year olds… Cutting his hair has never been easy, and it has just gotten harder as he has gotten bigger, stronger, and more attached to his rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle and hairstyle.

I decided it was time to call a professional. Bub did NOT like it.

It was really sad to see him so upset…but I did feel somewhat vindicated that it took THREE adults to cut his hair.

In the end, he looked like a handsome young republican. (But he's still rock 'n' roll on the inside.)

And he earned a certificate that is suitable for framing... which we will not frame.

True story.

My Kid's Cute _>_ All Other Kid's Cute

2010-09-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

(That's supposed to be a greater than or equal to sign, but I can't underline > in the title)

Here are two recent pictures that make me smile.

Taken last weekend at the park:

Taken two seconds ago... right here at the computer. Ah, memories.

Something about an apple not falling far from the tree...

2010-09-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

This is not a staged photo. Alexander loves to look at guitars. He is constantly taking his dad's catalogs and leafing through them saying "pretty guitars".

Bubby was born to rock. And sit 'n' spin.

Hinder Lifting

2010-09-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

Ava has very strong legs. Her efforts to crawl have resulted in a reverse (or inverse) army crawl. Her legs are so strong, she doesn't need to use her stinkin' arms. She moves up to an inch or two at a time with this technique. She sometimes uses her face as a fifth appendage for balance.

Some may call this weird. We call it "innovative".

"TA-DA!!!!"

Rice Cereal Tastes Almost As Good As Foot

2010-09-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

Ava recently had her very first bite of "real" food... rice cereal! Yum! We were surprised by how readily she ate it. Here is actual video of her actual first bite of actual food... actually ever.

OK...so she drooled out a substantial portion of that first bite. Maybe it was just that mouth-wateringly good. Subsequent bites were just as enthusiastic. It still ranks below boob and foot on her scale of yummy things... but not bad at all.

Harmonica-Controlled Bub

2010-09-14T01:42:00.000-07:00

It doesn't matter what he is doing, he responds to the harmonica every time.

The funniest part of this last video may be the unison parental "yeeaaa." If you've ever seen Stella, it's very Stella. If you haven't seen Stella...well, it's still very Stella. Our reality is not based on your understanding. (BONG!!!!) (That "bong" you just heard, by the way, came from this gigantic gong I whack every time I say something deep and fortune-cookie-esque. It rarely gets used. Unless I've been awake for three days straight, then it constantly gets used. Everything seems deep when you are tired... at least it does to me. And the hand that bongs the gong blows the collective mind of the world. BONG!!!!!) In any case, enjoy some more Bubby awesomeness: